IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

If a product is good or it meets people’s needs, people will buy it, so advertising is unnecessary and no more than an entertainment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#product #people’s #people #entertainment
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In recent years, advertisements have thrived
due to
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 those famous celebrities or models.
While
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 some
people
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 think of advertising as an unnecessary method to present a product, I completely disagree with
this
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 view. For a variety of reasons, it would be wrong to reduce or eliminate advertising. First and foremost, Advertising is a key part of modern business, being a crucial part of marketing strategies, customers cannot only be entertained but
also
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 be informed about the choices they have by watching the ads.
People
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 can get the exact information about
products
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 or enterprises merely in a few minutes.
Moreover
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, from an economic perspective, advertising is a creative industry that employs many
people
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 all over the world. Without it, there would be higher unemployment, which may lead to declining financial profit from those workers.
Finally
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, some
people
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 view advertising as a form of modern art, allowing artists to boost their creativity
as well as
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 accumulate their experience.
On the other hand
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, some might consider that advertisements could manipulate
people
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 in several ways.
Firstly
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, there are numerous flowery words and empty promises in the ad, leading to children not determining correctly whether or not certain
products
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 contain real fruits.
Secondly
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, the production’s promotion causes impulsive consumption. To illustrate, individuals are encouraged to purchase fast-fashion brands like Zara and H&M, which has brought the risk of environmental pollution to overconsumption.
Therefore
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, setting the rules for advertising is an urgent matter. In conclusion,
although
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 compelling arguments exist against advertising, I maintain the view that
people
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 still need advertisements to purchase
products
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.
However
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, the drawbacks,
such
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 as manipulating children and widening the rich and the poor, should not be overlooked. Governments should censor false information or
products
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 that are harmful
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and set
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
regulations regarding advertising.
Submitted by yoona27513341 on

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task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points, such as naming particular advertising campaigns that have informed or persuaded the public.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between ideas, especially between paragraphs discussing positive and negative aspects of advertising.
task achievement
Clarify some sentences for better understanding, such as the risks of overconsumption leading to pollution.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear and thorough discussion of both the positive and negative aspects of advertising, addressing the prompt effectively.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure is maintained throughout, with a clear introduction and conclusion framing the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay supports its claims with well-reasoned arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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