IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Today many children are overweight and suffer from being unhealthy. This can lead to obesity. Give the reasons for this and give the solutions to help address this problem.

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Today, the world has changed and life is more complicated. In the
last
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 few years, many
children
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 have been overweight and their
health
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 is poor.
This
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 essay will explain the reasons for
this
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 problem and suggest some solutions. There are many factors that lead to
obesity
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. First of all, the kind of
food
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that is
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 chosen by
parents
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 for their kids is
unheathy
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unhealthy
, especially fast
food
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.
Food
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 with high calories and low protein is
also
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 a bad choice and it is not very useful.
Furthermore
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, that kind of
food
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 leads to
obesity
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. Processed
food
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 and candy weaken the
health
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 of
children
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.
Secondly
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,
children
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 have bad habits in their daily lives. They do not play outdoors as much as they play video games. They spend a long time without movement in front of the computer and watching
youtube
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YouTube
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.
Finally
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,
parents
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 do not seem to care very much about their
children
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's needs. They only care about what their child wants. Lack of knowledge about their
health
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 is the main issue.
However
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, there are solutions to solve these
health
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 problems and
obesity
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.
First,
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parents
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 have to give their
children
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 limited time for video games and watching television or any activity without movement.
Also
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,
parents
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 must encourage their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to play outdoors.
Secondly
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 and
finally
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, it is important that the government solves
this
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 issue
by
Change preposition
through
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 its institutions.
For example
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,
school
Correct article usage
the school
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 is the largest institution that can be helpful in solving these
children
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's issues. Teachers must care about the
health
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 of students. They can do some daily activity that helps the students to keep fit. In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are many reasons responsible for
obesity
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.
This
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 is a huge affair today.
However
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, there are several excellent solutions available to solve
this
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 problem.

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task achievement
Consider improving the variety of examples you provide to support your main points in the essay. For instance, you can mention how schools may incorporate healthy eating programs or physical education classes in detail.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure the cohesion of your paragraphs. You may benefit from using more linking words or phrases to help transition between ideas more smoothly. This will aid in making your argument clearer and more connected.
task achievement
Expand on the reasons for the unhealthy lifestyle of children in more depth. Perhaps include societal aspects such as the influence of advertisements on children's food choices.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of a variety of sentence structures makes the essay engaging to read.
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