IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The mass media, including television, radio and newspapers, have a great influence in shaping people's ideas. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answers.

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It is undeniable that
due to
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 the rapid increase in science and technology, electronic
media
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 has grown dramatically in
this
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 century. The general belief is that the more developed
mass
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media
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, the more power to change an individual's thinking, and I completely agree with
this
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 view. It is a well-known fact that
mass
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media
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 helps rapidly spread information in our world.
Firstly
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, celebrities who have a significant influence on the Internet
such
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 as YouTubers, Bloggers, and KOLs can change some
people
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's minds.
For example
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, many famous
people
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 are invited to a talk show or a podcast show to share their lifestyle and opinions about some prominent issue.
Therefore
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, a lot of
people
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 think their statements are right and considered as a philosophy of life.
Secondly
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, the
mass
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media
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 can lead society by the nose with some wrong status and articles;
people
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 who read news on heterodox reports can easily be misguided. Because the Internet allows a lot of
people
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 to upload their opinions and even tabloid journalism, the user can not discriminate between the truth and the mendacious.
For instance
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, in Covid 19, a lot of posts on Facebook uploaded wrong information about the disease and confused citizens. That caused a chaotic society at
this
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 time. In conclusion,
mass
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media
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 undoubtedly play a vital role in the world and act as a big source of information, but they
also
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 have a great impact on society's minds.
However
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,
people
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 who use
media
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 should choose orthodox reports and stand their ground to avoid leading noses.

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task achievement
While the introduction and conclusion are clear, make sure your thesis statement directly addresses the extent of agreement/disagreement with the topic question. This gives a clear direction for the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make your argument more cohesive by using linking words better. Try using phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' and 'Moreover' to connect ideas in your paragraphs more smoothly.
task achievement
Providing more specific examples can strengthen your arguments, particularly in illustrating how media influences ideas. Consider integrating more detailed case studies or statistics to enhance engagement in your points.
content
Your essay captures the essence of the role of mass media and presents a balanced view, presenting both positive and negative influences.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your paragraphs is logical, with clear main ideas supported by examples, which enhances understanding for the reader.
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