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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that in modern society individuals are becoming more dependent on each other. Others believe people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge

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In contemporary
society
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, the extent to which
individuals
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 are independent or dependent on others remains a subject of debate.
While
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 some argue that
people
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 have become more reliant on each other
due to
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 economic and social factors, others believe that advancements in technology and shifting societal norms have fostered greater independence. I firmly contend that modern
society
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 is shaping
individuals
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 to be more self-reliant. On the one hand, some
people
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 believe that
individuals
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 are increasingly dependent on others. One major factor contributing to
this
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 is the high cost of living and intense job competition, which often force
people
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 to seek financial support from family or government assistance.
For example
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, in the aftermath of the COVID-19 pandemic, many businesses shut down, leading to widespread unemployment and financial hardship, making
individuals
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 more reliant on state aid.
Additionally
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, the complexity of modern economies means that
people
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 depend on specialists in various fields, from healthcare to technology, rather than solving problems independently.
On the other hand
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, I argue that modern
society
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 encourages greater independence.
Firstly
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, technological advancements have given
individuals
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 the ability to access opportunities without relying on local communities. Remote work, freelancing, and e-commerce platforms enable
people
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 to earn a living on their own terms.
Additionally
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, automation and digital services have reduced the need for human assistance in daily tasks,
further
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 promoting self-sufficiency.
Secondly
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, shifting family structures and economic pressures have resulted in more
people
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 choosing to live alone or delay marriage, reinforcing a sense of autonomy.
Furthermore
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, with higher levels of education than in the past,
individuals
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 are now better equipped to make informed decisions and solve problems without external help. In conclusion,
while
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 some argue that
people
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 have become more dependent
due to
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 economic struggles and reliance on experts, I believe that modern technology, evolving family dynamics, and greater access to education have empowered
individuals
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 to lead more independent lives. The
overall
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 trend in contemporary
society
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 leans towards self-reliance rather than dependence.

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Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the debate and states your opinion, which is excellent. However, consider refining the thesis statement to make your viewpoint even more explicit.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical, with clear topic sentences for each paragraph. To further enhance cohesion, you could use more linking phrases between ideas and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points, but adding one more personal example could strengthen your argument even further and make it more relatable.
Positive Note
Your essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and grammatical structures, which contributes to effective communication.
Positive Note
You addressed both sides of the argument logically and provided a strong conclusion that summarizes your perspective well.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalized economy
  • collaborative work environments
  • crowd-sourced
  • empowered
  • perception
  • availability
  • autonomy
  • reliance
  • shifted
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