IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The comtinued rise in the world's population is the greatest threat faced by humanity at the present time. DO you agree or disagree?

The increasing
population
Use synonyms
 of a
country
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 poses large risks to our world presently.
This
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 essay agrees with
this
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 view because the rapid
population
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 growth rate causes the depletion of
resources
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 and pollution.
Firstly
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, it is important to note that many natural
resources
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such
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 as water, energy, food, fuel, and wood will soon become obsolete as the
population
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 of a
country
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 rises over time.
This
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 is because the
number
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 of citizens in that
country
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 outnumbers the amount of natural
resources
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 available.
As a result
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 of
this
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, the government of
such
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 a
country
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 would not be able to cater to all the needs of its citizens.
Furthermore
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, many
people
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 could die
due to
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 the fact that their needs are not met adequately.
For example
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, the healthcare system in Nigeria is facing so many challenges
such
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 as financial strain because of the rapid growth rate of the
population
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 compared to the minimal
number
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 of healthcare services.
Secondly
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, overpopulation causes a lot of damage to the environment, especially in cities, because of many industries and factories. A lot of factories and industries emit toxic fumes from their chimneys
such
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 as carbon dioxide into the atmosphere which is harmful to
people
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's health.
In addition
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, noise coming from
such
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 big companies is detrimental to the well-being of the populace because it can lead to headaches and migraines.
For instance
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, a
number
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 of
people
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 in Ghana, have developed respiratory diseases
due to
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 the increasing
number
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 of toxic fumes emitted into the environment. In conclusion, a high
population
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 of
people
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 in a society leads to inadequacy of
resources
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 from nature and pollution problems which are harmful to the physical and mental well-being of society.

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task achievement
Expand on your ideas and examples. For instance, explain more about how healthcare issues arise from overpopulation. This will make your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs are clearly linked. Use linking words like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'in addition' to improve flow.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to summarize the main idea you will discuss.
task achievement
You have clearly stated your position in your introduction, which is good.
task achievement
The examples you provided support your arguments, which is an important part of writing an essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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