IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There has been a growing belief that public funds should be invested in encouraging people to hinder illness, rather than treating patients. I firmly agree
due to
Linking Words
 the economic gain despite potential casualties.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, a healthy lifestyle yields the benefits of a robust economy.
In other words
Linking Words
, if individuals succeed in contributing to social well-being which involves healthy living conditions, they will save an enormous amount of resources which may be used in treating those who are sick. As a direct result, the resources which are
initially
Linking Words
 for medical purposes and institutions will be used to develop other infrastructures or technology in order to foster social welfare and cultivate a contemporary and multifunctional environment which in turn offers better living standards.
On the other hand
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, neglecting expenditures for medical treatment plays a key role in potentially causing the deaths of many ill people. To clarify, spending less money means maltreating those who need necessary medical intervention, and
this
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 will make their statuses become more serious, especially those who already get severely injured or rare illness which is detrimental and requires sophisticated techniques to deal with.
This
Linking Words
 point may be true to a certain extent, yet it is insignificant as when citizens are well-equipped with fundamental knowledge and insights to confide the effects of these diseases, they may need less medical involvement from doctors to overcome their health issues. In conclusion, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 view
due to
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 the economic development, regardless of possible casualties which stem from deficiencies in crucial medical care. Ultimately, once public awareness of diseases is raised, society can easily confront community health issues.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your opinion, but you could add a brief explanation of why prevention is important.
coherence
Some of your ideas need clearer connections. Consider using more linking words to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Try to give specific examples from real life to support your points more effectively.
task achievement
You have a strong opinion and clearly express your agreement with the statement.
coherence
Your structure is clear with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • chronic diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • public health campaigns
  • lifestyle-related illnesses
  • quality of life
  • health-conscious society
  • allocate funds
  • balanced healthcare system
  • comprehensive healthcare strategy
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