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Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Nowadays,
children
 spend most of their time on
smartphones
. There are various reasons behind
this
, but the development of the Internet and technology act as the primary cause.
Although
this
 can develop various skills for
children
, I strongly argue that the harmful impacts outweigh the benefits. There are multiple reasons why kids are attached to their phones.
Firstly
, the development of the Internet and technology has led to the creation of various entertainment sources. It is true that nowadays, there are a number of apps and games,
such
 as YouTube and Rhythm Hive, that provide
children
 with the fun they need on a small device. These apps are designed to be so interesting, with an unlimited resource of pleasure that
children
 find the real world plain and boring,
thus
 forming a strong bond between themselves and electronics.
Moreover
, the busy life of today can
also
 contribute to the connection of
children
 with their
smartphones
. It is true that a majority of parents are so focused on working that they pay less attention to their kids, leaving their offspring with no choice but to be friends with their
smartphones
.
Children
’s exposure to technology can benefit them to a certain extent, yet the drawbacks can have a greater impact. More time on the phone means less time for outdoor activities.
This
 can lead to a number of health problems
such
 as obesity and cardiovascular diseases. These health issues can heavily impact different aspects of
children
’s lives, both mentally and physically. In conclusion,
while
 exposure to
smartphones
 can offer some benefits relating to skill development, its disadvantages are arguably more negatively impactful.
Submitted by minhlieu.hnd on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the main points of the topic but could further elaborate on the reasons why children are spending more time on smartphones. Including additional reasons or expanding on the ones already mentioned would strengthen the essay.
task achievement
Ensure that each idea is fully developed with relevant, specific examples. For instance, citing specific studies or statistics pertaining to children’s smartphone use and its effects could make your argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
While the essay flows well, using more varied linking words and phrases could enhance the coherence and cohesion. This would help connect ideas more smoothly.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction sets up the essay well by providing a clear overview of the topic and stating your position effectively.
logical structure
Logical structure is maintained throughout the essay, making it easy to follow the argument.
introduction conclusion present
The essay concludes effectively by summarizing the main points and reiterating your stance.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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