IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people believe that future technologies will allow humans to erase unpleasant memories. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Some
people
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 claim that
memories
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 can be removed by state-of-the-art technological devices in the future. From my perspective,
memories
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 play a crucial role in
people
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's experiences, and
this
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 development will lead to social unrest, causing a rise in divorces, so the drawbacks far outweigh the benefits of
this
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 innovation.
To begin
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 with,
memories
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 contribute to the development of
people
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's skills, abilities, and characters. Even if individuals were to experience incidents that they want to forget, a life lesson can be learned from these bad
memories
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. Take the example of the founder of Alibaba Corporation, Jack Ma, who had been rejected by numerous companies before he established Alibaba. He could easily remove his bad experiences so as not to feel depressed and anxious;
however
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, he pushed his limits and learned from his mistakes.
Consequently
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,
memories
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 should not be forgotten and have a great importance of personel enhancement.
Furthermore
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, the memory-deleting technique can have a negative impact on relationships and may lead to a significant increase in divorce rates, causing social unrest in the long term.
This
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 would be mainly because couples may prefer forgetting their partners
instead
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 of solving their problems after they argue with each other. A movie called The Sunshine of the Spotless Mind depicts the main disadvantage of
this
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 situation by showing how regretful
this
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 couple was after they had decided to erase their
memories
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 of each other.
As a result
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, they divorced and had the same problems in their other relationships. Because of that, I firmly believe that
this
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 method can affect married couples negatively, and divorce rates may rise. In conclusion, I think that allowing humans to use a technological device that can erase their bad
memories
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 is not an efficient technique to heal their mental wounds, as
people
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 should learn from their mistakes, and it may negatively affect society's perspective on relationships.

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task response
Make your main idea more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly why this is bad in one short line.
task response
Add one more clear reason why erasing bad memories is harmful. This can make your answer feel more full.
task response
Your examples are good, but explain them a bit more. Show more clearly how each example proves your point.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Some lines like 'Because of that' can be simpler.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body paragraph focused on one main idea only. This will make the flow stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence of each body paragraph connect more clearly to your main opinion.
task response
You answer the question clearly and you give a clear opinion from the start.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear topic and support.
task response
The example about Jack Ma and the film helps support your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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