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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Less and Less parents these days are smacking their children. Some people think that this is leading to a generation of misbehaved children. Do you agree or disagree to this view?

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Introduction
Nowadays, a decreasing number of
parents
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 are hitting their
children
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. It is argued that
this
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 will result in a generation of ill-mannered young people. I disagree with
this
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 view because there are numerous methods of teaching
children
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 how to behave, and the drawbacks of smacking outweigh its advantages in a child's behaviour.
Body paragraph 1
Parents
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 can discipline their offspring using many approaches rather than hitting them.
Although
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 smacking can sometimes have a strong impact, other approaches can be even more effective.
For example
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,
parents
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 can ground their
children
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 by preventing them from playing or meeting their friends, punish them by giving them extra chores, or simply have a heartfelt conversation with them. These approaches give
children
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 time to reflect on their behaviour and can prevent them from repeating the same misconduct.
For instance
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, given the popularity of video games among
children
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 nowadays, forbidding them from playing when they misbehave may be more effective than smacking them.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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, hitting
children
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 has more disadvantages than advantages.
Children
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 typically feel safe and protected with their
parents
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, which helps create trust between them.
However
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, smacking can threaten these feelings and damage the relationship between the two groups.
In addition
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, it may cause psychological problems for some
children
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, as they may become traumatised by
this
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 form of punishment. Some young people who are hit usually resent their
parents
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 as they grow older, which can create a gap in their relationship.
For example
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, a study in Saudi Arabia found that smacking
children
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 may result in involuntary urination in some cases.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that smacking
children
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 is not the only way to discipline them, and it has more drawbacks than benefits, particularly in terms of
children
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's behaviour and their relationship with their
parents
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.

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task response
Explain more clearly why the other forms of discipline lead to better behaviour in the long run. For example, say that rules, loss of games, and calm talks teach children what they did wrong and what to do next time.
task response
The Saudi Arabia study is very specific, but it is not fully explained. It may sound less strong if the reader does not know where it came from. A more direct example about fear, anger, or poor trust at home would support your point better.
task response
Be careful with broad claims such as “Some young people who are hit usually resent their parents”. Use softer words like “may” or “can”, unless you give clear proof.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body paragraph show the link to the question more directly. For example: “Other forms of discipline can teach children to behave well without fear.”
coherence and cohesion
A few ideas in the second body paragraph are close in meaning: safety, trust, harm to the bond, and a gap in the relationship. Join them more tightly so the paragraph does not repeat the same point.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear term for the people in the essay. “Children”, “young people”, and “offspring” are all understandable, but “children” is the most natural and clear choice here.
task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same: you do not agree that less smacking will make children behave badly.
task response
You give two clear main ideas: parents have other ways to teach children, and smacking can harm children and the parent-child bond.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, two main body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each body paragraph has one main point.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “For example”, “Moreover”, “However”, and “In addition” help the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • physical punishment
  • corporal punishment
  • misbehaved children
  • discipline a child
  • set clear boundaries
  • consistent rules
  • reasonable consequences
  • lose privileges
  • positive reinforcement
  • praise good behaviour
  • self-control
  • respect for others
  • aggressive behaviour
  • fear-based obedience
  • parenting style
  • permissive parenting
  • firm but fair
  • teach responsibility
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