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Band 6

Art classes such as painting or drawing are important for children s development so it should be compulsory in high school.Do you agree or disagree

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Introduction
In modern education, all the
subjects
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 are equally important for the yonge
people
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 , like
art
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 and painting, but some of them are not good at that. In
this
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 essay, I totally disagree with
this
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 statement, which
i
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I
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 am going to prove later in
this
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 essay.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, the
art
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 field helps children to develop concentration.
This
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 will help them to draw their imagination into the paper and color them to improve their focus as they pay attention to small details
while
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 painting.
In addition
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, these lessons may be helpful for them to sharpen their minds , which is good for their curriculum. So many
people
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 choose to become painters in their career after learning
art
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 in the schools.
For Example
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, to draw a house or a tree, they have to imagine a real house or a tree , which helps them to improve their imagination and make their mind more powerful.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
art
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 and painting prevent
people
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 from learning other
subjects
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.
Firstly
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, some students do not enjoy painting.
Therefore
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, it may make them less interested in the school. They may prefer to spend more time learning
subjects
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such
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 as math
,
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and
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 science , which help them to get job opportunities in the future.
Secondly
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, after attending
art
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 classes, they must feel tired as they don't like it.
As a result
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, they can not focus on other educational programmes.
Conclusion
In a nutshell, the
art
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 and painting field increases students' focus and patience , but it stops them from learning other important
subjects
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. In
this
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 essay i totally disagree that it would be compulsory for young
people
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 to learn those
subjects
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.

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task response
Make your main view more clear. You say you disagree, but your first main part gives strong good points about art. Say that art is useful, but it should not be a must for every student.
task response
Develop the reason about time for other subjects. Explain how a required art class can take time from subjects that some students need for their future work.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. The house and tree example shows imagination, but it does not strongly show why art should not be required. Give an example of a student who needs more time for math or science.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. To make the flow better, make each main part match your view: first say art has good sides, then explain why choice is still better than a required class.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” are good, but the first part sounds like support for the other view. Add a link such as “However, these good points do not mean that every student must take art.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “In this essay” and “art and painting” too often. Use short, clear words such as “these classes”, “art lessons”, or “this subject”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph should end by linking the good sides of art to your main view, so the reader can follow your answer easily.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view from the start to the end.
task response
You include both the good sides of art and the problems of making it required. This gives your essay a fair view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: start, two main parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words, such as “In addition”, “Therefore”, “Firstly”, and “As a result”, to connect your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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