IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The number of old people around the world is increasing dramatically. Is this a positive development?

#people #world #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
With the advancement in the field of health sector, there has been an
increase
 in the average lifespan of homo sapiens. Whether the impact of
this
increase
 in percentage of living old individuals, is beneficial or harmful is a contentious issue.
This
 essay will emphasize on the views of both sides. Elders are the building blocks of a society
;
Accept space
;
 their experiences in life
helps
Suggestion
help
 others to shape their future.
Firstly
, elders of the family look after the grandkids, enabling their parents to schedule their day more efficiently. The care they provide is far better than the attention given in kindergartens and preschools, and
also
, they charge only love.
Secondly
, some of the retirees provide helpful services in the community.
For instance
, they voluntarily feed the homeless in soup kitchens, or drive handicapped or older people to their hospital appointments and church sessions.
Thus
, their contribution to society is undeniable.
However
, despite the above mentioned facts, many believe that there
are
Suggestion
is
 a plethora of negative impacts of
this
increase
.
To begin
 with, the rising number of retired people is contributing to the increasing financial burden on the
tax-paying
not exempt from paying taxes
taxpaying
 working class.
For instance
, according to the data of the National Health Sector of
U
The objective case of we, the persons speaking
us
.K,
last
 year geriatrics comprised more than three fourth of the total recorded visits to the General Physician’s clinic.
Furthermore
, increasing lifespan means low mortality, which leads to expansion of the population
.
Accept space
.
 The
increase
 in necessities of
this
 bustling
population
Accept comma addition
population, thus
thus
, put a strain on the existing resources,
therefore
, raising load on the biosphere. In conclusion, the dramatic
increase
 in elder population has both pros and cons related to it. But, with better management by government and local communities to find ways to occupy these extra helping hands, may lead to better results in future.
Submitted by sansans2011 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: