IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Health experts say that obese women and women over the age of 40 should not be given free fertility treatment (IVF) because they are more likely to experience health problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#health #experts #women #age #fertility #treatment #ivf
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Professionals in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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medical occupations, state that
women
 and females in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
middle-age
Correct your spelling
middle age
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 have
a
Correct article usage
apply
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health-related
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 and
due to
this
, fertility treatment (IVF) should be given to them for money.
This
 essay disagrees with
this
 point of view because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human rights, declining the birth rate in different regions, and newborns
can suffer
Wrong verb form
suffering
show examples
 from different diseases. It is widely accepted in public, that each woman has a right to born a child and if it is possible, she should not be discriminated against because of her weight. Human rights are basic to human beings. Currently, the government making a lot of effort to promote equality.
For example
, United Nations conventions do not allow to have
such
 discrimination in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public and
such
people
 doing
this
 should be penalized. It is certainly true that IVF is very useful for the
increase
Change the verb form
increasing
show examples
 number of
people
 in different parts of the world. More and more
people
 have struggled
problems
Change preposition
with problems
show examples
 with obesity and if IVF is not
for
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apply
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free, the population will decrease because
this
 therapy costs a lot and most
the
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apply
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families
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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 afford it.
For instance
, Kazakhstan is the biggest territory in Central Asia,
moreover
, it has an issue with
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 weight of
women
, but in total the
people
 residing in
this
 destination are not too much. The state started to encourage
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
free pregnancy care and for now, the results are amazing; the population started to grow. Another important factor is finance, and the new generation will become unhealthy which is bad for society. The reason for
this
 is that
women
 become more unhealthy, If pregnancy
cure charges
Verb problem
costs
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 some money,
she
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 will start to find ways how to save money. They can use an unauthorized medical institution that provides
such
 services for less pay.
This
 can be a result of diseases and illness. A recent study shows that 51
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 who have used not official medical services born sick offspring. In conclusion, free fertility treatment has a lot of advantages for
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 world population and it will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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result
of
Change preposition
in
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 a healthy generation in the future.
Furthermore
,
women
 with obesity should not be discriminated
just
Change preposition
against just
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 because of
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 big
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
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, it
is violating
Wrong verb form
violates
show examples
 the rights of humans.
Submitted by waba on

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task response
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coherence
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examples
Provide more specific examples to support your points and strengthen the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • nuanced discussion
  • heightened health risks
  • public health and safety
  • discriminatory
  • individual health conditions
  • mitigate risks
  • mental health and well-being
  • deeply personal
  • equitable treatment
  • advancements in medical science
  • managed effectively
  • inclusive approach
What to do next:
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