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Band 6

It is sometimes thought that people who travel outside of their own country are more tolerant and understanding of each others. To what extent do you agree.

#people #travel #country
Some
people
 argue that
people
 who visit foreign countries are more open to differences and they are able to understand others in a better way. I strongly agree with
this
 statement because of the reasons which will be discussed in
this
 essay. It is scientifically proven that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
interaction with
people
 of different
cultures
 can affect one’s personality to a great extent. When
people
 go to foreign countries, they have to face unfamiliar
situations
. Living in
such
 unfamiliar
situations
 makes
people
 more adaptable to different circumstances.
Thus
 they will become more tolerant of change/difference.
This
 personality trait will help them to take more risks and accept changes in the future. As these kinds of
people
 are more exposed to different lifestyles, customs and food habits, they understand others better.
By contrast
,
people
 who are not exposed to different
cultures
 will be more narrow-minded than
people
 who travel overseas frequently. It is difficult for them to adapt to unfamiliar
situations
 compared to
people
 who
travelled
Wrong verb form
travel
show examples
 and
got
Verb problem
are
show examples
 exposed to different
cultures
.
This
 is evident among uneducated
people
 living in rural areas. They do not have much exposure to the outside world. They are very comfortable with their locality and they follow only
traditional
Correct article usage
the traditional
show examples
 way of life. It is very difficult for them to embrace change.
And
Correct word choice
Also
show examples
also
, it is difficult for them to understand and accept
people
 who follow a different lifestyle. In conclusion,
people
 who are exposed to different
cultures
 and practices are more open to different
situations
. They are tolerant and venture into new avenues with an open mind and they understand
people
 better than
people
 who do not travel much.
Submitted by sevis24575 on

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task response
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing how travel can enhance tolerance and understanding. To improve task response, ensure you directly answer all aspects of the prompt and provide a more balanced view by acknowledging potential counterarguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with a logical flow. To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider using more transitional phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs. Additionally, ensure your examples are relevant and support your main points effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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