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Band 4.5

Nowadays people have adopted an unhealthy lifestyle. Why do you think this is. How could this problem be solved?

#people #lifestyle
There is an issue about why many
people
 take
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
show examples
 way of
life
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
 for
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
 and suggest possible solutions. Let us start with the
reasons
 why some
people
 assume an unhealthy way of
life
. The first motive is that
people
 are usually subjected to stress in many places. They develop unhealthy habits,
such
 as smoking and drinking, because they often feel stressed by
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 hectic lifestyle. Another motive is that they cannot buy healthy
food
. Many
people
 eat a great deal of unhealthy meals, including fast
food
 and junk
food
, since they basically cannot afford organic
food
, which
contain
Correct subject-verb agreement
contains
show examples
 vital
nutritious
Replace the word
nutrition
show examples
 and
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not lead to obesity.
Furthermore
,
people
 often have many unwanted friends. Many young
people
,
for instance
, develop a heavy addiction to drugs by making friends with criminals, so they put their health at risk
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
.
However
, some social workers suggest the following actions to tackle these
reasons
.
Firstly
,
people
 should do exercise. Stressed
people
 should do the workout to relax from a stressful day at work
instead
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if they want to have a more sensible
life
.
Secondly
, they should buy crops from gardeners.
People
, who cannot afford costly groceries, should address
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 owning farms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 so that they can purchase the same crops, but at much lower prices than in the overpriced market.
Moreover
, youngsters should stop seeing unwelcome acquaintances. To protect their children from the usage of drugs, their parents should explain
them
Change preposition
to them
show examples
 what are the consequences of
this
 detrimental addiction
as well as
 convince them to leave these unwanted fellows. In conclusion, even though there is a set of
reasons
 for developing
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
show examples
 style of
life
, I think that it is possible to deal with them by assuming the
above mentioned
Add a hyphen
above-mentioned
show examples
 measures.

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task response
Work on addressing the prompt more directly by providing a clearer explanation of the reasons for adopting an unhealthy lifestyle and suggesting more detailed solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical structure and organization of the essay by using clearer transitions between ideas and ensuring that the introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and use more precise and varied language to express ideas. Avoid repetition and strive for clarity and depth in your expression.
grammatical range
Develop a broader and more nuanced range of grammatical structures. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and the use of complex sentences to enhance coherence and sophistication.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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