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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Sport is becoming a business. More and more companies are getting involved in sporting events. Do you think that it is a positive or negative development ?

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Introduction
It is true that corporations have the tendency to play a role in different aspects of competitive
sports
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 nowadays.
While
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 I understand that
this
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 bilateral relation may cause some negative impacts, I would argue that it is a step long sought by
sports
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 advocates to help sporting
events
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 take off.
Body paragraph 1
The unfavourable side of
this
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 movement can be attributed to two main factors, match-fixing and the use of illegal
substance
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substances
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. Many companies which are funding sporting
events
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,
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apply
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 are simultaneously sponsoring one or multiple teams of their own.
Hence
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, many people are apprehensive about the idea that the result of a tournament could be predetermined by how much money big companies are pouring in to buy their teams’ victories.
Furthermore
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, substantial monetary benefits may entice athletes into using performance-enhancing drugs in
sports
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 tournaments.
This
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 can have detrimental effects on sporting
events
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, as it jeopardizes the health of its users
,
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apply
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while
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 ruining sportsmanship and the outputs of all the matches that it is involved in.
Body paragraph 2
On the flip side, funding from
corporate
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corporations
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 can facilitate
sports
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 development in many ways.
Firstly
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, it helps sporting organizations have the money needed to organize holistically better
events
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.
This
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 money can be used for many activities, namely the production and marketing of the campaign, to serve the purpose of meeting the public’s expectations by bringing out a fully operational and aesthetically pleasing tournament.
Secondly
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, sportsmen, at least those who play popular ones, are able to secure themselves a stable or even lucrative income.
As a result
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, devoted athletes can rid themselves of financial worries and be extra focused on their games to give more eye-pleasing performances for the followers of the sport.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 the connection between sporting
events
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 and commercial companies can have several bad effects, I am convinced that the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks.

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content
In the second paragraph, you mention match-fixing and the use of illegal substance. But you only described the negative effects of them, but did not provide specific examples.
structure
The structure of the essay is logical, and your ideas are clear. However, some points could be more explicitly linked back to the essay question to make sure they are clearly relevant.
conclusion
In your conclusion, you mention several bad effects and benefits; however, it would have been better if you had summed up specifically what those points were, for the sake of clarity.
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