IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the use of mobile (cell) phones should be banned in public places such as libraries and shops and on public transport. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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It is generally claimed that nowadays, with technological development, the majority of
people
Use synonyms
 always
use
Use synonyms
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 to work, study and enjoy their life all the time in the world.
As a result
Linking Words
, a number of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
people
Use synonyms
 should not
use
Use synonyms
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 in public
areas
Use synonyms
. Others do not agree with
this
Linking Words
idea
Use synonyms
. I personally agree with the
idea
Use synonyms
 that using mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 should be banned in public
areas
Use synonyms
. There are a number of strong arguments to support the
idea
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 that in public
areas
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 should not
use
Use synonyms
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
. If
people
Use synonyms
 always
use
Use synonyms
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 in public
areas
Use synonyms
, they sometimes make lots of noise, especially in libraries and shops and on public transport.
For instance
Linking Words
, in libraries, the majority of students pay attention to studying or reading. If someone’s
cell
Use synonyms
 phone suddenly rings at
this
Linking Words
 moment, it affects the
people
Use synonyms
 around one and it takes a certain amount of time to come to their senses
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 it difficult to concentrate.
Consequently
Linking Words
, in public
areas
Use synonyms
,
cell
Use synonyms
phones
Use synonyms
 should be banned.
While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
smartphones
Use synonyms
 should not be banned, because
people
Use synonyms
 probably meet some emergency situations, there are some important reasons to agree with the
idea
Use synonyms
 that
people
Use synonyms
 should not
use
Use synonyms
cell
Use synonyms
phones
Use synonyms
 in public
areas
Use synonyms
. Nowadays, with technological development, more and more apportions can be used in
people
Use synonyms
’s
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, these can make
people
Use synonyms
’s lives easier and more convenient.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 always spend lots of time using
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the UN reported that teenagers spend more than 3 hours using
phones
Use synonyms
, and adult spends more than 4.5 hours. They go to libraries to study not to
use
Use synonyms
 free public WIFI for entertainment. If their mobile phone is always with them, they always want to check whether there is information or emails, and it is difficult to concentrate on studying.
As a result
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should not
use
Use synonyms
smartphones
Use synonyms
 in public
areas
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I firmly believe that using
cell
Use synonyms
phones
Use synonyms
 in public
areas
Use synonyms
 should be banned because they always affect oneself and disturb others.

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introduction
Your introduction effectively presents the topic and your viewpoint, setting a clear direction for the essay. To further enhance it, consider adding a sentence that outlines the main points you will discuss, providing a roadmap for the reader.
body
In your essay, you have provided logical arguments supported by relevant examples, which greatly strengthens your position. To enhance clarity, consider varying your sentence structures and using synonyms to avoid repetition.
conclusion
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your arguments and reaffirms your position. For a stronger impact, you might want to briefly mention the potential consequences of not adopting your suggested policy.
organization
The essay shows a good level of coherence and cohesion, with paragraphs well-organized around central ideas. Using a wider range of linking devices could make transitions between ideas smoother and more evident to the reader.
content
Effective use of examples to support arguments.
structure
Clear structure and logical flow of ideas.
argument
Strong position statement in both the introduction and conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • indispensable
  • disturbances
  • restrictions
  • justified
  • distraction
  • outright bans
  • zones
  • silent modes
  • communication
  • emergency situations
  • hindering
  • implementing
  • policy
  • respect
  • consideration
  • personal responsibility
  • blanket regulations
  • social etiquette
  • evolving norms
  • acceptable behavior
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