The charts show information concerning speed-camera use, together with statistics on road accidents, for the city of Melbourne.

The charts show information concerning speed-camera use, together with statistics on road accidents, for the city of Melbourne.
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Both charts depict
the
Correct article usage
apply
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information about the count of
the
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apply
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speed
cameras
and
its
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the
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percentage of accidents and deaths on Melbourne’s
road
Fix the agreement mistake
roads
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starting from 2002 to 2005. From the diagram, we can see that, the number of speed
cameras
increased from 2002 to 2005
as well as
percentage
Add an article
the percentage
a percentage
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of accidents on the road
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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also
increased but the ratio of deaths declined. First of all, in 2002 the total number of speed
cameras
was 40 and
also
in 2003 it was not increased significantly but only by 5 numbers.
Furthermore
, in 2004 it
was
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increased
up
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apply
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to 60 numbers
while
,
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apply
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in 2005
number
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the number
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of speed
cameras
increased drastically to 140.
Second
of all, as per the chart, in 2002 the rate of accidents was only 3.4%, but in consecutive years that rate
was
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apply
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increased tremendously
such
as in 2005 it touched
to
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apply
show examples
4%.
In contrast
, the proportion of deaths in 2002 and
in
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apply
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2003 was very small nearly 0.7%, but in 2004 it increased to 1%,
but
Correct word choice
and
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again in 2005, it increased to 1.2%.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
Vocabulary: Replace the words cameras with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 8 times.
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