IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Education in financial management should be a mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.

#education #management #component #school #program
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More and more young adults in our country are heavily indebted.
Thus
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, it is considered by some that it should be mandatory to educate school children in the administration of cash. In my opinion,
people
Use synonyms
 should not leave school without a sound knowledge of financial management.
To begin
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 with, a country’s development is strongly
dependant
Replace the word
dependent
show examples
 upon the purchasing capacity of its inhabitants.
That is
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 to say,
people
Use synonyms
 who are in debt or financially vulnerable, would not be able to spend freely or invest,
for example
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, in a new house,
thus
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 hindering the economic growth of the country.
As a consequence
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, the rate of inflation would rise and
people
Use synonyms
 would be able to afford even less, which could ultimately result in the collapse of the entire economy. A good example of
this
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 vicious circle can be seen in countries
such
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 as Argentina, where
people
Use synonyms
 have to buy household items on the black market
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because they cannot afford to buy them in regular stores
due to
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 skyrocketing prices.
Therefore
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, it is of utmost importance to teach children early in wealth management. Another point to consider is the low standard of living that
people
Use synonyms
 have when they mismanage their finances. Individuals who are constantly short of cash could eventually end up being socially isolated and unhappy, because they couldn’t afford to participate in leisure activities,
such
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 as going to the cinema with a friend, resulting in their
withdraw
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withdrawal
show examples
 from social life.
However
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,
this
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 could be avoided with ease by offering courses in salary management. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
school children
Correct your spelling
schoolchildren
show examples
 should be taught how to manage their finances to prevent social isolation later in their life
as well as
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 to maintain the economic force of their country.
Submitted by vacumd on

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task response
You have covered the topic effectively and provided relevant examples to support your points. Your ideas are clear and well-developed. However, make sure to address all aspects of the essay question in a balanced way.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear overall structure with an effective introduction and conclusion. To further improve coherence, consider using cohesive devices to link ideas, such as transition words and pronouns, to enhance the flow of your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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