IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some feel that countries should produce most of the food that is eaten in their country and import as little as possible. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is no doubt that these days lots of people feel that the government should produce their
food
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. The question is, why do
countries
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 have to produce most of the
food
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 they eat? In
this
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 essay, I am going to discuss my view and I will draw my personal conclusion. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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terms of the positive side, If the country produces their
food
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 it will reflect positively on
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 economy. The main reason given to support
this
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 claim is that there will be lots of jobs. To illustrate, If they start to produce
food
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 they will need farms, factories, markets and logistics.
In other words
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, there will be a high rate of employment and economic movement
also
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 a wealth of economic returns.
Moreover
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, a very common point in my opinion. I see
that is
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 the most important reason,
food
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 security for the community and country.
Firstly
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, the availability.
In other words
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, there might be more availability of fruits, vegetables, rice, flour and other
Correct your spelling
foodstuff
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food
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 stuff for daily needs.
Secondly
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, that may impact directly on prices.
This
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 is because that could be cheaper and everyone would be able to buy It.
Although
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, there are many problems
such
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 as international competition, sometimes imported
food
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 is much cheaper than local one, in
this
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 case, the
countries
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 are used to buying It. In conclusion,
although
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 some
countries
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 tend to purchase imported foods that they see
is
Correct your spelling
as
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 cheaper than the local, the other group of
countries
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 prefer to have
food
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 security by producing their own foods.
Therefore
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, I believe that
countries
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 should produce their own
food
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.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay needs a more logical structure. Try to organize your paragraphs in a clear manner with topic sentences that introduce the main idea, followed by supporting statements and a concluding sentence that sums up the point you're making.
coherence cohesion
You have presented an introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, ensure that your introduction clearly states your main argument, while the conclusion should not only summarize the essay but also reiterate your stance emphatically.
coherence cohesion
To better support your main points, include clearer examples and data where appropriate. This will strengthen the argument and make the essay more persuasive.
task achievement
You've provided a response that addresses the task, but the development of ideas could be deeper. Work on expanding your explanations and considering both sides of the argument for a more complete response.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat clear but can be more comprehensive. Aim for complete clarity in expressing your thoughts, avoiding ambiguous statements. More detailed reasoning can make your arguments stronger.
task achievement
Use more relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points. This will help to fulfil the requirements of the task by making your essay more convincing.
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