IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. some people say that the price increase of fattening food will solve this problem .to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #food
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There is no doubt that obesity is
one
Use synonyms
 of the most important health problems we need to solve in a short period of time.
While
Linking Words
 some people believe that
one
Use synonyms
 solution could be increasing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast-
food
Use synonyms
 prices, others argue that we need to go
one
Use synonyms
 step forward and implement more actions. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will support with examples why I tend to agree with both of them.
Firstly
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, a sedentary and unhealthy lifestyle is the main factor we need to change urgently.
Moreover
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, we need to re-educate society and show them how exercise and healthy
food
Use synonyms
 can reduce their weight.
For instance
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, nowadays
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schools that have incorporated specific foodstuff lessons in their programme have fewer children with obesity and diseases related to weight. If we do not teach them how to eat or move, we can not pretend to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem.
On the other hand
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,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 fattening meal prices could be a massive help.
Furthermore
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, not everybody can purchase expensive foodstuff, so, the increment in the prices of unhealthy
food
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 could become a great help to
avoid
Verb problem
prevent
show examples
 people
to consume
Change preposition
from consuming
show examples
 it.
For instance
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, adolescents usually eat hamburgers or pizzas because they are cheaper than other types of
food
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. If
this
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 type of
food
Use synonyms
 became expensive to them, they would not be able to buy it.
As a consequence
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, the percentage of the unfit population would decrease. To summarize,
although
Linking Words
 I accept that some people prefer
one
Use synonyms
 method to the other, I firmly believe that the combination of both of them could be the perfect strategy to fight against the overweight issue.
Submitted by cristina.arino on

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Task Response
Well-developed argument with clear examples supporting both sides of the argument. Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction for better coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Good use of transitions and linking words to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Work on improving the introduction and conclusion to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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