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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people claim that immigrants should adopt the local culture when immigrating to a new country. While others think that they can establish a minority community instead. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Many individuals argue that there should be an adaptation for
immigrants
Use synonyms
 who migrate to a new
culture
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. Contrary to
this
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 belief, others oppose that the
immigrants
Use synonyms
 should implement their
culture
Use synonyms
 as a minority community in a new country. In my opinion,
although
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 establishing a new community can increase cultural divergence, it can cause a loss of the demographic structure of the public .The aim of
this
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 essay is to discuss the argument with the merits and the demerits of the debate. On the one hand, it is important to bear in mind that establishing a minority community can
cause
Verb problem
have
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 an adverse impact on societies,
therefore
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immigrants
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 should be adapted to the
society
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instead
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 of creating a small
culture
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 in new countries.
For example
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, many Turkish people immigrated to Germany as manpower in the '50s. They have implemented their own
culture
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 and they have built their neighbourhood in Germany
instead
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 of following the fabric of
society
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.
Thus
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, some of them still do not know the German language and partially they are not able to find a job outside the neighbourhood.
As a result
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,
immigrants
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 should be adapted to follow the code of conduct.
On the other hand
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, minor communities can increase cultural divergence and
as a
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consequence
Add a comma
consequence,
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 people can live in these countries confidentially regardless of gender, race and nation. It can be seen that if a country has a multinational
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society
Replace the word
social
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 structure, more people are respectful of different colours and their
preference
Fix the agreement mistake
preferences
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.
For instance
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, many
immigrants
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 are living in Canada and
hence
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, Canada has enforced laws in order to defend every individual's fundamental rights and lack of nationalism. In
this
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 way, there is no doubt that more freedom can be provided to societies with respect to minority communities. To summarize, despite the fact that there can be ascending trends in accepting others' rights in multilateral countries,
immigrants
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 should adopt the domestic
culture
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 so as to be part of the country and
also
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 the demographic
society
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 structure should be preserved.
This
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 essay
argued
Wrong verb form
argues
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 the debate with two sides of the same coin.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, elaborate on the positive aspects of cultural divergence and how they can directly benefit societies.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs are logically structured, with clear topic sentences and a cohesive flow of ideas. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion could be more impactful by summarizing your viewpoint more definitively rather than presenting it as a balance of both sides.
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument, demonstrating awareness of different viewpoints on the topic, which is commendable.
task achievement
Your use of real-world examples, such as immigrants in Germany and Canada, enhances the credibility of your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • adopt the local culture
  • integrate
  • social customs
  • mutual respect
  • cultural clashes
  • minority community
  • cultural diversity
  • emotional support
  • mental health
  • multicultural society
  • harmonious coexistence
  • heritage
  • social acceptance
  • cultural practices
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