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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #music #culture #ages
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Many
people
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 think that
music
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 plays a crucial role in combining
people
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 of different customs and ages from all over the world together. I personally agree with
this
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 viewpoint for many reasons,
described
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as described
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 in the following paragraph. The major reason that folk say that
music
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 is an efficient way of bringing
people
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 who have different backgrounds together is that
music
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 is not the language of a particular country.
As a result
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, Individuals from all parts of the globe can comprehend the meaning of the same song through its melody.
For example
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, K-pop songs are extremely popular and promulgated
to
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in
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 many nations.
Moreover
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,
music
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 can mitigate the gap between
people
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 in old and new generations. To illustrate, there are a number of TV shows
that
Correct word choice
where
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 old singers are invited to join the show in order to sing with adolescents.
In addition
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,
music
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 is responsible for the community of folk from different countries and cultures.
In other words
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, there are numerous
music
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 schools where students from many nations go to study
such
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 as Berklee
college
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College
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 of
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music
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Music
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 in the USA and Royal
college
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College
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 of
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music
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Music
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 in the UK. On top of that,
music
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 can bring a lot of individuals into one place. In simple terms, If the famous singers arrange their concerts, there will be a crowd of
people
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 who will take part in their concerts. To summarize, there are tremendous reasons why
music
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 is a good method of bringing folk of many cultures and ages together and I strongly agree with
this
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 viewpoint.
Submitted by yanaphon.t on

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Task Achievement
Make sure to fully address the prompt in your response. The prompt asked to what extent do you agree or disagree; while you state that you agree, you could make your personal stance clearer.
Language & Vocabulary
Be consistent with the academic tone. Avoid using informal vocabulary like 'folk'.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to structure your essay in a more cohesive manner. In the paragraphs where you discuss the reasons you agree, try to start with a clear topic sentence that outlines what the paragraph will be about.
Grammar
In order to display a broader range of grammatical structures, consider including complex sentence structures such as conditionals, relative clauses and so on in your essay. This would demonstrate a higher level of control over the language.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural diversity
  • harmony
  • integration
  • bridging gaps
  • foster
  • ignite
  • embrace
  • communicate
  • celebrate
  • appreciate
  • inclusivity
  • universal language
  • emotional resonance
  • shared experiences
  • intercultural dialogue
  • intergenerational connections
  • cultural exchange
  • catalyst
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