Some people say music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree

Many
people
think that
music
plays a crucial role in combining
people
of different customs and ages from all over the world together. I personally agree with
this
viewpoint for many reasons,
described
Correct word choice
as described
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in the following paragraph. The major reason that folk say that
music
is an efficient way of bringing
people
who have different backgrounds together is that
music
is not the language of a particular country.
As a result
, Individuals from all parts of the globe can comprehend the meaning of the same song through its melody.
For example
, K-pop songs are extremely popular and promulgated
to
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in
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many nations.
Moreover
,
music
can mitigate the gap between
people
in old and new generations. To illustrate, there are a number of TV shows
that
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where
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old singers are invited to join the show in order to sing with adolescents.
In addition
,
music
is responsible for the community of folk from different countries and cultures.
In other words
, there are numerous
music
schools where students from many nations go to study
such
as Berklee
college
Capitalize word
College
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of
music
Capitalize word
Music
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in the USA and Royal
college
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College
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of
music
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Music
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in the UK. On top of that,
music
can bring a lot of individuals into one place. In simple terms, If the famous singers arrange their concerts, there will be a crowd of
people
who will take part in their concerts. To summarize, there are tremendous reasons why
music
is a good method of bringing folk of many cultures and ages together and I strongly agree with
this
viewpoint.
Submitted by yanaphon.t on

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Task Achievement
Make sure to fully address the prompt in your response. The prompt asked to what extent do you agree or disagree; while you state that you agree, you could make your personal stance clearer.
Language & Vocabulary
Be consistent with the academic tone. Avoid using informal vocabulary like 'folk'.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to structure your essay in a more cohesive manner. In the paragraphs where you discuss the reasons you agree, try to start with a clear topic sentence that outlines what the paragraph will be about.
Grammar
In order to display a broader range of grammatical structures, consider including complex sentence structures such as conditionals, relative clauses and so on in your essay. This would demonstrate a higher level of control over the language.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural diversity
  • harmony
  • integration
  • bridging gaps
  • foster
  • ignite
  • embrace
  • communicate
  • celebrate
  • appreciate
  • inclusivity
  • universal language
  • emotional resonance
  • shared experiences
  • intercultural dialogue
  • intergenerational connections
  • cultural exchange
  • catalyst
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