IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people are copying celebrities from magazines and on TV. Why this happening? Do you think it’s a good idea to copy celebrities?

#people #celebrities #magazines #tv #it’s #idea #copy
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is hard to deny that in
Correct your spelling
today's
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
 society where we live in majority
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
,
especially
Add an article
the especially
show examples
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation are imitating Superstars by means of mass media. Certain reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 why
this
 is happening around us and
detrimental
Correct article usage
the detrimental
show examples
 impacts of
this
 trend will be enlightened in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, these days young
people
 are copying celebrities due to some factors. Fame and
unique
Correct article usage
the unique
show examples
appearance
 of renowned
people
 are pushing factors for
youth
 as they are more prone to be influenced. In order to beautify themselves and to attract others,
youth
 follow to wear brand clothes,
jewelleries
Change the wording
jewellery
pieces of jewellery
show examples
 or hairstyles which are used by celebrities.
Furthermore
,
luxury
Add an article
the luxury
a luxury
show examples
 lifestyle of famous
people
also
 attracts
attention
Add an article
the attention
show examples
 of young
people
 which
itself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in turn
Add the comma(s)
, in turn,
show examples
urging
Wrong verb form
urges
show examples
 them to spend a larger amount of money on organising parties
such
 as
birthday
Fix the agreement mistake
birthdays
show examples
 and
wedding
Fix the agreement mistake
weddings
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a
luxury
Replace the word
luxurious
show examples
 way.
Therefore
,
aforementioned
Correct article usage
the aforementioned
show examples
 reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 why imitation
towards
Change preposition
of
show examples
 superstars among teenagers should not be ignored.
However
, there are several negative influences of
this
 trend
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 should be into consideration.
Firstly
,
young
Add an article
the young
a young
show examples
 generation is spending a great deal of money on expensive
garment
Fix the agreement mistake
garments
show examples
 and jewellery or hairstyle and make-up or aesthetic
operations
.
A
Change the article
An
show examples
 as result,
these
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
all
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
 are causing
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 lack of money for their essential daily items which is resulting in stress-related issues including
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of frustration, depression or even suicide of them.
Moreover
, they are putting their life under threat because of experiencing a range of cosmetic
operations
. Unfortunately, some of them are not successful to achieve their desired
appearance
 and are losing their real beauty
accordingly
 which is another cause of
suicides
Fix the agreement mistake
suicide
show examples
 among teenagers. One girl from Iran,
for instance
, experienced countless
operations
 for being similar to Angelina Jolie but,
instead
 her
appearance
 is turned
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 one of
scary
Correct article usage
a scary
show examples
 vampire. In fact, her
appearance
 was quite beautiful until these
operations
.
Thus
,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation should consider these negative effects before planning to do efforts for making themselves similar to prominent
people
. In conclusion, sparkling fame, attractive
appearance
 and
luxury
Replace the word
luxurious
show examples
 lifestyle of celebrities are the main stimulators for
youth
 to copy them which has negative impacts on both
psychology
Correct article usage
the psychology
show examples
 and finance of the
youth
.
Submitted by nodirbekmsh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: