IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people are copying celebrities from magazines and on TV. Why this happening? Do you think it’s a good idea to copy celebrities?

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It is hard to deny that in
Correct your spelling
today's
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
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 society where we live in majority
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
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,
especially
Add an article
the especially
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young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation are imitating Superstars by means of mass media. Certain reasons
of
Change preposition
for
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 why
this
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 is happening around us and
detrimental
Correct article usage
the detrimental
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 impacts of
this
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 trend will be enlightened in
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with, these days young
people
Use synonyms
 are copying celebrities due to some factors. Fame and
unique
Correct article usage
the unique
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appearance
Use synonyms
 of renowned
people
Use synonyms
 are pushing factors for
youth
Use synonyms
 as they are more prone to be influenced. In order to beautify themselves and to attract others,
youth
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 follow to wear brand clothes,
jewelleries
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jewellery
pieces of jewellery
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 or hairstyles which are used by celebrities.
Furthermore
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,
luxury
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the luxury
a luxury
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 lifestyle of famous
people
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also
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 attracts
attention
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the attention
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 of young
people
Use synonyms
 which
itself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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in turn
Add the comma(s)
, in turn,
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urging
Wrong verb form
urges
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 them to spend a larger amount of money on organising parties
such
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 as
birthday
Fix the agreement mistake
birthdays
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 and
wedding
Fix the agreement mistake
weddings
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on
Change preposition
in
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 a
luxury
Replace the word
luxurious
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 way.
Therefore
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,
aforementioned
Correct article usage
the aforementioned
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 reasons
of
Change preposition
for
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 why imitation
towards
Change preposition
of
show examples
 superstars among teenagers should not be ignored.
However
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, there are several negative influences of
this
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 trend
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 should be into consideration.
Firstly
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,
young
Add an article
the young
a young
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 generation is spending a great deal of money on expensive
garment
Fix the agreement mistake
garments
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 and jewellery or hairstyle and make-up or aesthetic
operations
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.
A
Change the article
An
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 as result,
these
Correct determiner usage
apply
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all
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
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 are causing
the
Correct article usage
a
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 lack of money for their essential daily items which is resulting in stress-related issues including
the
Correct article usage
a
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 sense of frustration, depression or even suicide of them.
Moreover
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, they are putting their life under threat because of experiencing a range of cosmetic
operations
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. Unfortunately, some of them are not successful to achieve their desired
appearance
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 and are losing their real beauty
accordingly
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 which is another cause of
suicides
Fix the agreement mistake
suicide
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 among teenagers. One girl from Iran,
for instance
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, experienced countless
operations
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 for being similar to Angelina Jolie but,
instead
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 her
appearance
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 is turned
to
Change preposition
into
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 one of
scary
Correct article usage
a scary
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 vampire. In fact, her
appearance
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 was quite beautiful until these
operations
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.
Thus
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,
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation should consider these negative effects before planning to do efforts for making themselves similar to prominent
people
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. In conclusion, sparkling fame, attractive
appearance
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 and
luxury
Replace the word
luxurious
show examples
 lifestyle of celebrities are the main stimulators for
youth
Use synonyms
 to copy them which has negative impacts on both
psychology
Correct article usage
the psychology
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 and finance of the
youth
Use synonyms
.

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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