IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Educating young people is naturally important. However, some think governments ought to invest more education for adults in need. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #think #governments #education #adults
The vast majority of the population deems that
although
 the primacy of educating society members under 17 is crucial, more attention and funding need to point
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
adults
. I am not in agreement with the opinion of
majority
Add an article
the majority
show examples
 and reflect my own view
over
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 common issue. On the
one
 hand, it can be spotted that the
adults
usually seen
Add the auxiliary verb
are usually seen
show examples
 as people who are studying
Change preposition
for bachelor
show examples
bachelor
Change noun form
bachelor's
show examples
 or master’s
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
 who are actually
one
 step away from employment. Those in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of grown-ups have valid reasons to be concerned about the future of a country as
past
Correct article usage
the past
show examples
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
often
Add a missing verb
is often
show examples
replaces
Wrong verb form
replaced
show examples
 by
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
.
In other words
, if the governments fail to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 the undergraduates’ needs
for
Add the comma(s)
,for
show examples
 instance, it will become
increasingly
Correct article usage
an increasingly
show examples
 important hazard
toward
Change preposition
in
show examples
 every possible field by hiring
not
Correct article usage
a not
show examples
 proficient workforce in the future. The dearth in
one
’s bank account will be
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 main turning point which is overall disturbance from academic life. The advocates of
this
 view use those facts to urge the government to pay attention to ongoing problems
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
adults
’ life.
On the other hand
, those who argue against
this
 contention point to the schools as
one
 we should be
concerning
Replace the word
concerned
show examples
 about more basically. In fact, youngsters usually get most of their essential knowledge for life before turning 18.
Further
 and more importantly,
adults
 legally can take care of themselves since they are mature enough to work and live independently all alone while young people have no rights like those and
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
show examples
 to do so as the name suggested.
Thus
, we could put the future in
even
Correct article usage
an even
show examples
 more dangerous situation by altering the main focus to
adults
. To conclude, I strongly believe that funding for
adult’s
Change noun form
adult
show examples
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
important
Add a missing verb
is important
show examples
 but not as crucial as
younger
Add an article
a younger
show examples
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 because of
age
Add an article
the age
an age
show examples
 difference.
Submitted by uluga2002 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: