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Writing Samples
Band 6

Young people are often influenced in their behaviours and situations by others in the same age. This is called “peer pressure”. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?

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It is true that
peer
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pressure
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 has been a phenomenon, defining the influence of young
people
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 on their friends of the same age. In my view, its disadvantages do not outweigh the advantages.
To begin
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 with,
peer
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pressure
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 brings numerous disadvantages. One of the undeniable reasons is the career comparison among
people
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, which
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 popular nowadays. The fact that some could become successful early and others may not
due to
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 the difference in their chosen majors;
therefore
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, having a career compared is not a good idea that might
get
Verb problem
make
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 us uncomfortable. A good example of
this
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 is the rate of depression in the youth, some feel stressed out
while
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 being involved in comparing with others’ success.
In addition
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, young
people
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 could copy the bad habits of churlish friends
such
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 as smoking or drinking wine too much; from
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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, effecting negatively on their health. Despite having limitations,
peer
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pressure
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 actually has some significant benefits, which would be a good friendship. It is true that everyone needs someone with whom to share happiness and sorrows.
Furthermore
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, young
persons
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people
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 can learn vital skills
such
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 as leadership or good communication by encouraging each other.
Therefore
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, it is a great way to help in sorting out difficulties in their life and develop their career together.
This
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 is particularly the case for the Nobel prize, many
people
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 working together to achieve the title is better than acting alone. In short, I advocate that
although
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peer
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pressure
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 has both pros and cons, we should consider its advantages to live comfortably
while
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 eliminating any unnecessary limitations with no doubt.

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coherence cohesion
You need to improve the logical progression of your ideas. A logical flow means you move from one argument to the next smoothly and coherently, there was slight jumpy nature in the progression of your points.
coherence cohesion
You need to support your main points more convincingly. Use either deductive or inductive reasoning, with logical arguments and/or examples to link ideas together.
task achievement
Screenshots are necessary to stipulate more clear and comprehensive ideas. The text is quite general at times and lacks the depth of understanding and analyses.
task achievement
Some relevant and specific examples are needed. Instead of just stating an opinion or idea, explain it using examples from real life. This will give more credibility to your point and make it easier for the reader to understand.
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