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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

sports stars are paid too much for what they do. Discuss.

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Doing sports professionally and becoming a sports celebrity requires putting a
lot
Use synonyms
 of time and effort
thus
Linking Words
, they earn plenty of cash that some people believe is significantly a
lot
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 I would argue they
are deserved
Wrong verb form
deserve
show examples
this
Linking Words
 high salary which in
this
Linking Words
 essay, will be discussed.
To begin
Linking Words
 , why do some citizens suppose sports stars are getting too much
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 They claim that their
fames
Correct your spelling
families
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 more than their abilities for a long time. In terms of becoming ,famous their reputations make the way of becoming well-off fully easy. They are able to set up a business much easier
rather
Rephrase
apply
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than others because most of the officials know them and can pull strings for them
for instance
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, they participate in an advertisement for only
some
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 seconds as celebrity endorsement or just for the photos of them on various goods packaging they get a huge amount of money.
As a result
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, some inhabitants are guessing they are paid a
lot
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some others argue they
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
completely
deserved
Wrong verb form
deserve
show examples
for earning
Change preposition
to earn
show examples
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of payment since if they want to be a well-known athlete, it will require a
lot
Use synonyms
 of effort and practice continuously without disappointment which requires strong willpower and spirits because they will be under stress. They cannot endure and overcome
this
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 much pressure unless they see the result of it which will be salary and honour.
In addition
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, they may get a serious injury which causes several difficulties for themselves and their families.
For example
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, if a national champion who brought honour to his country faces a financial crisis or requires surgery operation, he will not be able to concentrate on his practice so they really have the competency of it. In conclusion, play celebrities have the merit of earning high salaries
due to
Linking Words
 their attempts and the risk of crucial injuries to which they are exposed.
However
Linking Words
, after their ,youngness they may earn wages through their frames conveniently but it is the reward of their efforts so I agree with paying plenty of payment to them.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the main points are more clearly connected and supported throughout the essay. Use transition words and phrases to improve coherence.
task achievement
Fulfill the task requirements by providing a more comprehensive response, with clearer examples and arguments to support your position.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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