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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Now a days some parents give money to their children if they perform well at school. Do you think this is good or bad friend ?

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While
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 some students are receiving good results, their parents give them money for motivational aspects. There are some advantages and disadvantages associated with
this
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 topic. In my opinion, drawbacks can take precedence over the positive aspects. On the one hand,
while
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 some mothers and fathers want to observe their adolescents' accomplishments, they hand over some cash as an award to see more improvement, which has some disadvantages.
Firstly
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, the children will expect to earn more,
while
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 they are growing inasmuch as their requirements are increasing.
Secondly
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, children might not notice that the award was given for their improvement, though they will blame their family that they did not let them develop in the other field.
For example
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, if a well-educated family use
this
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 technique to lead their offspring to improve their mathematic skills, they might be blamed that did not
let
Wrong verb form
letting
show examples
 them grow the way that they intended to
such
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 as in a sport.
On the other hand
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, there are some advantages if pupils could have cash
due to
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 their good results.
For instance
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,
while
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 some students need to be encouraged to study harder, their parents promise that they will
be received
Wrong verb form
receive
show examples
 an amount of money if they focus on their studies.
Subsequently
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, they will perform much better than they used to. In conclusion, In my opinion,
although
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 there are a few benefits regarding giving money to students for better performance, there are a plethora of drawbacks that outweigh the pros.
Therefore
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, mothers and fathers should be aware of both aspects to prevent the possible impacts.

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task achievement
Be more explicit in your position in the introduction. Instead of 'in my opinion, drawbacks can take precedence over the positive aspects', try stating clearly that you believe it is bad practice.
coherence and cohesion
Provide clearer transitions between points to improve the flow of your arguments. For example, use phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' to connect ideas between paragraphs more effectively.
task achievement
Add more specific examples or data to back up your points, especially in the second body paragraph where you talk about the advantages of giving money.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by discussing both advantages and disadvantages of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Good use of vocabulary related to education, motivation, and development.
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