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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Now a days some parents give money to their children if they perform well at school. Do you think this is good or bad friend ?

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While
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 some students are receiving good results, their parents give them money for motivational aspects. There are some advantages and disadvantages associated with
this
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 topic. In my opinion, drawbacks can take precedence over the positive aspects. On the one hand,
while
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 some mothers and fathers want to observe their adolescents' accomplishments, they hand over some cash as an award to see more improvement, which has some disadvantages.
Firstly
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, the children will expect to earn more,
while
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 they are growing inasmuch as their requirements are increasing.
Secondly
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, children might not notice that the award was given for their improvement, though they will blame their family that they did not let them develop in the other field.
For example
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, if a well-educated family use
this
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 technique to lead their offspring to improve their mathematic skills, they might be blamed that did not
let
Wrong verb form
letting
show examples
 them grow the way that they intended to
such
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 as in a sport.
On the other hand
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, there are some advantages if pupils could have cash
due to
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 their good results.
For instance
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,
while
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 some students need to be encouraged to study harder, their parents promise that they will
be received
Wrong verb form
receive
show examples
 an amount of money if they focus on their studies.
Subsequently
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, they will perform much better than they used to. In conclusion, In my opinion,
although
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 there are a few benefits regarding giving money to students for better performance, there are a plethora of drawbacks that outweigh the pros.
Therefore
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, mothers and fathers should be aware of both aspects to prevent the possible impacts.

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task response
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coherence cohesion
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