IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that only the government can make significant changes in society, while others think that individual can have a lot of influence. What is your opinion?

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In
this
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 contemporary epoch, whilst proponents believe that governors have a paramount role in affecting society, opponents have a diverse view.
Thus
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, I am a staunch believer that citizens have a part in changing their surroundings. In
this
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 essay, my contention will be
further
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 discussed. On the one hand, socialists are of the belief that governments have the upper hand in changing society.
In other words
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, when an authority
discovered
Wrong verb form
discovers
show examples
 a complication in a society, it regulates new laws to overcome these problems. An eminent example is Egypt which has set a plethora of new laws to regulate the traffic congestion problem.
However
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, the issue still exists.
Hence
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, what can be said is that we can not deny the importance of the authorities in imposing laws that help in changing the surrounding problems in the country.
On the other hand
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, it is believed that
nations
Use synonyms
 play a significant aspect in changing their surroundings. To illustrate, unless the country's
nations
Use synonyms
 do their best to solve their surrounding dilemmas, they will not be able to overcome them, as everybody is responsible for taking
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
action towards a specific complication that emerges. A salient example is the
nations
Use synonyms
 in Egypt have done their best to deal with the unemployment problem. They solve
this
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 complication by opening new areas where children can learn new skills,
such
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 as painting.
This
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 helps the
nations
Use synonyms
 in increasing their national income and to overcome the lack ness of work opportunities in Egypt.
Therefore
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, not only do
nations
Use synonyms
 have an important part in solving their dilemmas, but they can
also
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 come up with new ideas to help their governments
in overcoming
Wrong verb form
overcome
show examples
 several complications. In conclusion,
after
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this
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 essay has manifested the above-mentioned points, it can be reiterated that authorities and
nations
Use synonyms
 have an interdependent role in solving their social problem.
Thus
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, if there is cooperation between them, their communities will have a better future.

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task response
The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both perspectives on whether change in society is predominantly driven by governments or individuals. However, make sure to maintain clear topic sentences for each paragraph to enhance clarity.
task response
Occasionally, the ideas presented could be clearer or more directly linked to the main argument. Try to keep ideas well-connected and easy to follow.
task response
The essay provides relevant examples to support the arguments, but consider integrating more specific examples to enhance depth, such as more detailed governmental policies or individual initiatives.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is strong, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Consider strengthening the transitions between paragraphs for smoother cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each main point is adequately supported with evidence and explanation. A little more elaboration on examples would be helpful.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-rounded introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the main points and argument. Keep this up!
coherence cohesion
The essay concludes effectively by reiterating the central idea and proposing cooperation between governments and individuals as a solution.
task response
A good use of relevant examples, such as the traffic laws in Egypt and initiatives to combat unemployment, give substance to the arguments made.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly outlines the position taken, setting the stage for the discussion that follows.
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