Many people think that money is important to achieve happiness. What is the importance of money to happiness? Give reasons for your answers and include examples from your experience.

Nowadays, society considers
money
as a way to pursue contentment.
Although
this
differs from one person to the other, if we look at the perspective of the world's system today, we can not hide the fact that many aspects of
life
only can be afforded by using
wealth
. In the first civilization, humans
does
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
not use
money
but they used a barter system to exchange different objects with the same value.
For example
, if a farmer needs protein for their food but does not have the chance to go hunting, they could barter their crops with meat from the hunter who does hunting. It is considered equal exchange if both parties
agreed
Wrong verb form
agree
show examples
on the same terms and it benefits both of them.
Then
, when the exchange system
become
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
more complex and the item varied to a tremendous degree, society thought there
has
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
to be some kind of intricate and detailed scheme to support
this
,
thus
money
was born from that. Civilization changed over centuries, which affected how the public foresees
wealth
.
Life
needs developing not only for primer, secondary and tertiary segments but
also
quarterly and so on which need
money
to afford it. Even if some segments are not important for the public to live their
life
, social media worsens them by generating ideas of contentment and pushing the public to pursue it, even though it is actually a deceitful kind of happiness. The public
begin
Wrong verb form
began
show examples
to see
wealth
as an important aspect of
life
,
although
this
was
also
supported by the world's government and the world's bank, revolving everything around the capital, and taking a lot of benefits from the common mass. From my experience, whenever I had a list of goods I
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
to buy to achieve my well-being, my list would never be emptied even if I had already bought it all. Because, when I already buying things from the list, I would always add new things, and I would never feel satisfied and always tried
into buying
Change preposition
to buy
show examples
more even if I
do
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
not have much cash,
to begin
with. To summarize,
wealth
is important in society because it can buy contentment these days. But, it is recommended to not cling so much to cash because everything needs moderation and we could
also
search for happiness in many other ways.
Submitted by ftm.zahroh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Overall feedback
Ensure that the main points are well-developed and supported with more specific examples. Provide a clearer explanation of how money can lead to happiness and explore alternative perspectives. Work on strengthening the link between ideas to improve coherence and cohesion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!