IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Whether young
students
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 should learn the
history
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 of their own country or that of other societies in the
world
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 has always been a topic of debate.
While
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 it is believed that learning the former is of greater importance, I disagree with
this
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 perspective. Some people are pro the idea of children learning national
history
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, and justifiably so. The key rationale in favour of
this
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 idea is that being aware of their roots can instil a sense of patriotism in each child.
This
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 may foster an appreciation for the national heritage, which means that they are more willing to defend and contribute to their country.
By contrast
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, those who lack knowledge about national
history
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 may not respect their traditions. Vietnam perfectly exemplifies
this
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 situation. As
history
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 education in most schools is sadly lacking, many children have grown up with a superficial understanding of their ancestors' past achievements and sacrifices,
hence
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 their indifference to national current affairs.
This
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 is a testament to the necessity of teaching schoolchildren local
history
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.
However
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, I am convinced that it is far more beneficial for
students
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 to learn national
history
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 in parallel with
world
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history
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.
This
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 is because acquiring insights into events that took place in other parts of the
world
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 can
also
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 give
students
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 a more holistic perspective of what happened in their localities.
On the other hand
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, learning exclusively national
history
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 could cause an individual to be biased and harbour hostile feelings about foreign people.
For instance
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, in Vietnam,
history
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 education mostly features how Vietnamese fought against foreign armies
such
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 as France and America, misleading many
students
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 into thinking that people from these countries are evil.
This
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 outlook may be more impartial if they thoroughly understand past wars in an international context. In conclusion.
while
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 there are some justifications for considering local
history
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 more important than
world
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history
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, I would contend that schoolchildren will derive the most benefit from learning both.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea which is extended and supported with examples relevant to the topic. While examples are provided in the essay, they can be expanded upon for improved clarity and relevance.
task achievement
Remain consistent when discussing examples, and avoid generalising. Examples should be presented in a way that they clearly support the argument without causing ambiguity or misunderstanding.
task achievement
Work to provide a balanced view in the task response, especially when the question asks to what extent you agree or disagree. Consider discussing both sides of the argument before presenting your conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present, which structurally bookend the essay well. Ensure the introduction sets the stage for the discussion and the conclusion neatly ties all the points made, reinforcing your stance.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
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