IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children today find it’s difficult to concentrate or pay attention in schools. Why do you think causes this problem? What do we need to do to solve this problem?

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Learning plays a fundamental role in providing
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 with both academic knowledge and social skills.
However
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, students becoming more
distractive
Replace the word
distracted

The word distractive doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
 in
school
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 is a serious concern today. I will examine some reasons contributing to
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 problem and practical solutions to promote their attitudes toward the study. It is
undeniable
Correct article usage
an undeniable

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
 fact that
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 tend to become more easily distracted in the classroom than in the past. The primary reason for
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 is the prevalence of digital gadgets
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 as computers and smartphones. Because various services are available with these tools, young people are likely to spend more time interacting with friends on SNS and playing online games. In fact, 50% of Japanese elementary
school
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 students possess their own smartphones.
Therefore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, more pupils have concentration problems in
school
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.
due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 the excessive reliance on electric devices in their daily lives, which can result in failing academic performance in the long run. In order to improve the learning attitudes of
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 in the class, it is essential for adults to get actively involved in their education.
First,
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

parents should restrict the time
their
Correct pronoun usage
they

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

show examples
 use smartphones at home.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 makes clear divisions for their play and study
,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma in a compound predicate. Consider removing it.

show examples
 and makes it easier for them to concentrate in
school
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
Secondly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 important that schools should provide a supportive learning environment.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, inattentive pupils should be carefully guided by multiple teachers to offer more individual advice and care.
In other words
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, both parents and teachers play significant roles in enhancing their study behaviour in
school
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. In conclusion,
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 are less concentrated with their growing dependence on electrical tools in their daily lives. Adults should take great responsibility in limiting their use and provide individual support to increase their attention to the class.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task, addressing both the causes of the problem and potential solutions comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, and you maintain good separation between different points in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
The language used is clear and precise, effectively communicating the main ideas and demonstrating a good command of English.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Attention span: The amount of time someone is able to concentrate on a task without becoming distracted.
  • Distractions: Things that prevent someone from giving full attention to something else.
  • Digital technology: Electronic devices and applications that facilitate communication and entertainment, e.g., smartphones, tablets, social media.
  • Engagement: The level of interest or involvement a student exhibits towards their learning and school activities.
  • Learning environment: The physical or psychological conditions in which learning takes place, which can affect students' ability to concentrate.
  • Stress: A state of mental or emotional strain resulting from challenging or demanding circumstances.
  • Academic pressure: The stress or anxiety related to schoolwork, grades, and performance.
  • Extracurricular activities: Non-academic activities that are part of school life, such as sports, clubs, or music, which can also affect students' stress levels.
  • Physical activity: Exercise and movement, important for maintaining health and improving concentration.
  • Time management: The ability to use one's time effectively or productively, especially for schoolwork.
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