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Band 6.5

Children today find it’s difficult to concentrate or pay attention in schools. Why do you think causes this problem? What do we need to do to solve this problem?

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Learning plays a fundamental role in providing
children
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 with both academic knowledge and social skills.
However
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, students becoming more
distractive
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distracted
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 in
school
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 is a serious concern today. I will examine some reasons contributing to
this
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 problem and practical solutions to promote their attitudes toward the study. It is
undeniable
Correct article usage
an undeniable
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 fact that
children
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 tend to become more easily distracted in the classroom than in the past. The primary reason for
this
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 is the prevalence of digital gadgets
such
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 as computers and smartphones. Because various services are available with these tools, young people are likely to spend more time interacting with friends on SNS and playing online games. In fact, 50% of Japanese elementary
school
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 students possess their own smartphones.
Therefore
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, more pupils have concentration problems in
school
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due to
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 the excessive reliance on electric devices in their daily lives, which can result in failing academic performance in the long run. In order to improve the learning attitudes of
children
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 in the class, it is essential for adults to get actively involved in their education.
First,
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parents should restrict the time
their
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they
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 use smartphones at home.
This
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 makes clear divisions for their play and study
,
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apply
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 and makes it easier for them to concentrate in
school
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.
Secondly
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, it is
also
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 important that schools should provide a supportive learning environment.
For example
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, inattentive pupils should be carefully guided by multiple teachers to offer more individual advice and care.
In other words
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, both parents and teachers play significant roles in enhancing their study behaviour in
school
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. In conclusion,
children
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 are less concentrated with their growing dependence on electrical tools in their daily lives. Adults should take great responsibility in limiting their use and provide individual support to increase their attention to the class.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task, addressing both the causes of the problem and potential solutions comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, and you maintain good separation between different points in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
The language used is clear and precise, effectively communicating the main ideas and demonstrating a good command of English.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Attention span: The amount of time someone is able to concentrate on a task without becoming distracted.
  • Distractions: Things that prevent someone from giving full attention to something else.
  • Digital technology: Electronic devices and applications that facilitate communication and entertainment, e.g., smartphones, tablets, social media.
  • Engagement: The level of interest or involvement a student exhibits towards their learning and school activities.
  • Learning environment: The physical or psychological conditions in which learning takes place, which can affect students' ability to concentrate.
  • Stress: A state of mental or emotional strain resulting from challenging or demanding circumstances.
  • Academic pressure: The stress or anxiety related to schoolwork, grades, and performance.
  • Extracurricular activities: Non-academic activities that are part of school life, such as sports, clubs, or music, which can also affect students' stress levels.
  • Physical activity: Exercise and movement, important for maintaining health and improving concentration.
  • Time management: The ability to use one's time effectively or productively, especially for schoolwork.
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