IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays,
children
Use synonyms
 enjoy taking
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 hours on their smartphones not only for
playing
Replace the word
play
show examples
 games but
also
Linking Words
doing
Change the verb form
to do
show examples
 other activities.
This
Linking Words
 probably
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
 because
some
Change preposition
of some
show examples
 reasons
such
Linking Words
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
accessibility
becomes
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 easier, and some parents are not really restricting them
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones.
However
Linking Words
, I think
this
Linking Words
 can lead to more negative development
instead
Linking Words
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
positive since
children
Use synonyms
 can access inappropriate
content
Use synonyms
 and it can diminish their interest in
other playing method
Change the wording
another playing method
other playing methods
show examples
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
children
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 still vague in choosing what
content
Use synonyms
 suit
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them despite some
content
Use synonyms
are
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 created for
children
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, they tend to choose
type
Add an article
the type
show examples
 of activities
those
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 make them happy without considering the negative sides. If they
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 or
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 some games without
Correct pronoun usage
their parent's
show examples
parent's
Fix the agreement mistake
parents'
show examples
 control, it can lead to brain
damages
Fix the agreement mistake
damage
show examples
 and affect their behaviour.
For instance
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
children
Change preposition
in children
show examples
 who lost their parent's attention and get stuck with porn movies even in cartoon illustration, research
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 shown that their part of
brain
Add an article
the brain
show examples
 which is
pre-frontal
Correct article usage
the pre-frontal
show examples
 cortex might disrupt.
As a result
Linking Words
, those threats could affect the related brain function if parents do not control their
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 activity.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 who
addicted
Add a missing verb
are addicted
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 cell phone with
internet
Add an article
an internet
show examples
 connection might find that
this
Linking Words
 thing is more fun for them
instead
Linking Words
 of playing outside with their friends.
For example
Linking Words
, we can see that in
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 present,
children
Use synonyms
 often hold their
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 longer than in the previous era. They tend to spend
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 leisure time
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing with their phone
instead
Linking Words
 of going outside and seeking another activity.
Hence
Linking Words
, many traditional child entertainments had gone and not being an option because it was not attractive anymore. To conclude, it is obvious that spending many times
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 smartphones is a bit negative development for
children
Use synonyms
 because it can lead to unsuitable
content
Use synonyms
 and
children
Use synonyms
 might lose
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
interest to grab
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better entertainment.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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