IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The population of young people is more than old people in the countries .And it benefit us To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#population #people #countries #benefit
Nowadays, the population of young
people
 are increasing with the result that young
people
 are more than elderly citizens in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Some
people
 strongly advocate that it benefits us. In my opinion, I agree with
this
 idea. More young
people
 can promote technology innovation because they may have more creative thoughts
in
Change preposition
about
show examples
technological
Add an article
a technological
show examples
item
Change the noun form
items
show examples
such
 as electronic devices, intelligent appliances, and eco-friendly cars. The young generation, who were born in a high-tech society ,use
products
 of high technological design since they were a child. They are more familiar with digital items which enables them to
work
 on developing these items to make them better match the need of the public.
For example
, more young
people
 use Apple
products
 than older
people
 do. Apple company are prone to employ young technicians to
work
 for them because they believe that young workers may be able to design new features for their
products
 which can attract the public. With more creative designs on Apple
products
, it
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 promote technology innovation in
electronic
Correct article usage
the electronic
show examples
 devices area. Another benefit of more young
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 than
elderly
Add an article
the elderly
show examples
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 is that they
work
 efficiently which yields more profits for the company. Young
people
 are more likely to
work
 faster and harder. Companies involved can yield more profits which
develop
Correct subject-verb agreement
develops
show examples
 the economy for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. For
instances
Fix the agreement mistake
instance
show examples
, when working at a construction site, a young
worker
 may carry more heavy
item
Fix the agreement mistake
items
show examples
 than an older
worker
. It ensures
a
Change the article
an
show examples
architechture
Correct your spelling
architecture
to be
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 built faster than
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
expected. From
company's
Correct article usage
the company's
show examples
 perspective, it saves time and money so they can build more. The more they build, the more profits they get. In conclusion, I totally agree that it is beneficial for us to have more young citizens than elderly
people
 because it may be able to promote
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 innovation and make
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
properous
Correct your spelling
prosperous
.
Submitted by linxinger46 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: