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Band 5.5

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

#people #life #money
Nowadays, many
people
 argue that a person’s
happiness
 depends on
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
various factors, some of them believe that having a huge sum of
money
 can give a feeling of great joy.
However
, there are many other
things
such
 as
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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good family
relationships
 or self-accomplishment in life which make a person feel happy. The main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 having
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
plenty of
money
 is that it allows
people
 to live in a luxury. In fact,
money
 provides to purchase luxuries and experiences that can bring joy and pleasure
such
 as travel, expensive
things
 and material comfort.
For instance
, buying
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
apartments
Fix the agreement mistake
apartment
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 or expensive
cars
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car
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 can make habitants feel cheerful and satisfied because it increases their social status.
Furthermore
, wealth can
also
 give
people
ability
Add an article
the ability
show examples
 to help others and it brings a positive impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their community and
sense
Correct article usage
a sense
show examples
 of fulfilment for them.
However
, there are many other
things
 that can bring
happiness
. One of them is strong
relationships
 with family which lead to joy in life. When
people
 have great
relationships
 with their loved ones and friends, they can share
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their feelings with them.
In addition
,
this
 can reduce stress levels, increase
happiness
 and give
feel
Add an article
the feel
a feel
show examples
 of care
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 close
people
.
Moreover
, achieving a goal in life can make
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 feel satisfied and feel happy.
For instance
, some studies have shown that good kinship, sense of purpose and accomplishments are key
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
happiness
.
To conclude
,
money
 can definitely lead to
luxury
Correct article usage
a luxury
show examples
 lifestyle and
buy
Wrong verb form
buying
show examples
 many
things
 which
brings
Change the verb form
bring
show examples
happiness
.
However
,
relationships
 with family and personal growth can
also
 affect to person’s jollity.
Submitted by Allazhar on

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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