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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and amount of time spent doing housework in households in one country between 1920 and 2019.

The charts below show the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and amount of time spent doing housework in households in one country between 1920 and 2019.
#show #changes #ownership #appliances #amount #time #housework #households #country
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Information is presented by two line graphs which illustrate the percentage of three different electrical machines in house
owner
Fix the agreement mistake
owners
show examples
 and the number of
hours
Use synonyms
 of
housework
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
 in the particular country in the years 1920 and 2019.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that the house owner spent the most time
did
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
housework
Use synonyms
 in the year 1920,
which
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 the washing
machine
Use synonyms
 is the most common electrical device
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
1920 but it became the less
using
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
machine
Use synonyms
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the end of
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
. In comparison, the refrigerator and Vacuum
cleaner
Fix the agreement mistake
cleaners
show examples
 became the most popular applicants in 2019. Turning to the first feature, in 1920, the
ownership
Replace the word
owners
show examples
 did not choose the Refrigerator
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 cleaner their house,
while
Linking Words
 the washing
machine
Use synonyms
 is the most common popular
machine
Use synonyms
,
accounted
Wrong verb form
accounting
show examples
 for 40 %, followed by the vacuum cleaner, at 30%.
However
Linking Words
, using the Refrigerators and vacuum cleaners increased rapidly in 1980, about 100% and 90%, respectively, both of these applicants still remained in
this
Linking Words
 proportion until the end of the given period, which is the highest
electrical
Correct quantifier usage
number of electrical
show examples
 applicant.
Whereas
Linking Words
 washing
machine
Use synonyms
 became the lowest proportion. In terms of hour use, in 1920 people spent most of their time
did
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
housework
Use synonyms
, at 50
hours
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
. The amount of housekeeping
then
Linking Words
 dropped dramatically
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 around 15
hours
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
 in 1980.
Finally
Linking Words
, in 2019, the ownership spent the least time
did
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
housework
Use synonyms
accounted
Wrong verb form
accounting
show examples
 for 10
hours
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
, which is the lowest amount of the given period.
Submitted by suthapuch1202 on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, housework, week, machine with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ownership
  • electrical appliances
  • housework
  • time frame
  • variables
  • trends
  • significant milestones
  • turning points
  • correlation
  • reduction
  • influenced
  • societal implications
  • quality of life
  • gender roles
  • economic implications
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