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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that schools should spend more money on computers, others say that more money should be spent on teachers' wages. Discuss both views and state your opinion.

#people #schools #money #computers #teachers #wages
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In
this
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 modern world, knowledge is the key to everything and makes our lives easier. The arguments for and against the idea of spending more money on computers rather than teachers' wages is the right option to choose,
while
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 others concur with it.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and reflect my opinion.
To begin
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 with, schools should focus on spending more money on computer technology for the following facts. Children are the bright future of our country. If they learn the use of technology from the very start of their classes, they can live happily and stress-free.
Moreover
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, every chore is controlled by computers,
For example
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, from house vacuums to aeroplanes. Nowadays, Learning technology
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
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 a necessity in our lives. So,
due to
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 these reasons, the management should bring more servers into the schools. So, youth can learn more about them and produce something valuable for a better nation. Despite that being the case, I still disagree with
this
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 notion. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand, a good amount of salary should be given to the teachers
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due
Change preposition
for
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 to following reasons.
although
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 machinery is important, we need someone to teach us about it. Here comes the teacher, If schools don't have staffed the computers are of no use to the students.
For instance
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, we have seen many advertisements for hiring school teachers. But, without
sufficient
Correct article usage
a sufficient
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 pay ,rate nobody will go down that path. Instructors are called second mentors after the parents. They share years of experience, love and care with kids. For the foregoing reasons, I believe mentors should be given more incentives to appreciate their time. In conclusion, computer-operated machines play a vital role in human life. But,
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also
Rephrase
apply
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it goes without saying,
a
Correct word choice
that a
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mentor is
also
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 important to get through the tough phase of the technological world.
Submitted by 2000mannu23 on

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task response
Ensure to address both views clearly and provide a balanced argument with sufficient elaboration.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a clear structure with a proper introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Use cohesive devices to link ideas within and between paragraphs.
task response
The introduction provides a clear overview of the topic and the writer's opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion that effectively frame the discussion.
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