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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The only way to improve safety of our roads is to give much stricter punishments on driving offences. To what extent do you agree with this idea?

#safety #roads #punishments #offences #idea
There are many
debate
Change to a plural noun
debates
show examples
 about the way to improve
road
safety
, some people agree to give much stricter laws and punishments.
On the other hand
, I strongly believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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enforcement is not
an
Correct article usage
the
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 only method to enhance
safety
 on the
road
.
By providing
Change preposition
Providing
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 stricter enforcement,
education
, and
road
 infrastructure will sustainably raise
road
safety
.
First,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should set up and concentrate the
road
safety
 laws
such
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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as
Change preposition
apply
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if
the
Correct article usage
apply
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one
do
Change the verb form
does
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 not follow the traffic rules,
there
Correct pronoun usage
one
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 will
be losing
Wrong verb form
lose
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the
Change the word
their
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 driving license,
paying
Wrong verb form
pay
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 heavy fines, or
Add a missing verb
be imprisonment
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imprisonment
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imprisoned
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. Implementing
this
 method can significantly reduce
road
 accidents.
According to the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 World Health Organization reported that 100% of the
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
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that
Change preposition
with
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strictly
Change the word
strict
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 punishments
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 driving have lower
road
 accident and death
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
.
In addition
, the state has to improve and maintain
road
 infrastructure like roads, traffic lights and signages in good condition because those can help to cut the number of
road
accident
Fix the agreement mistake
accidents
show examples
.
The
Correct article usage
An
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 efficient way
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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can cut
the
Correct article usage
apply
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road
 incidents is
education
. Providing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
knowledge and awareness on
road
safety
 in school-age children is very
importance
Replace the word
important
show examples
 as it will give
safety
Correct article usage
a safety
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 mindset to the
next-generation
Correct your spelling
next generation
show examples
.
For example
, Finland, the country which implements
the
Correct article usage
apply
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road
safety
education
 campaigns,
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 successful outcomes that sharply decrease
road
injury
Fix the agreement mistake
injuries
show examples
 and
incident
Fix the agreement mistake
incidents
show examples
. So,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
also
 plays a crucial role
to raise
Change preposition
in raising
show examples
safety
 on the
road
. In sum, stricter punishments are not only the way to increase
safety
Add an article
the safety
show examples
 of our roads, but it
need
Change the verb form
needs
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 the correlation between all stakeholders to solve
this complex problems
Change the determiner
this complex problem
these complex problems
show examples
. The government should have laws and heavy punishment
along with
 well-maintain
road
 infrastructure
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
while
 educating the young blood to develop
safety
Add an article
a safety
show examples
 culture and
safety
 mind.
Submitted by amittawin on

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coherence cohesion
Although the essay has a clear structure, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence. This helps guide the reader through your ideas more smoothly. Consider beginning each paragraph with a definitive point that captures the essence of that paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Try to include a wider range of linking words or cohesive devices, such as 'furthermore,' 'moreover,' or 'in addition,' to ensure a smooth flow of ideas throughout the essay.
task achievement
While the examples provided are specific, additional real-world examples or evidence could strengthen the argument even further. Consider providing statistics or studies to support your points.
task achievement
Refine your thesis to be more specific. The current one is a bit broad; be sure to clearly state what your main argument is in response to the question.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-defined, successfully setting up and wrapping up the discussion in the essay.
task achievement
The essay effectively incorporates specific examples, like the Finland road safety education campaign, providing support to your argument.
task achievement
The essay responds to the prompt by considering multiple ways to improve road safety beyond just stricter punishments, which displays a comprehensive approach to the question.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • punitive measures
  • deterrence
  • driving offences
  • violating traffic laws
  • speeding
  • driving under the influence
  • stricter punishments
  • alternative measures
  • road infrastructure
  • vehicle safety features
  • public awareness campaigns
  • driving education programs
  • effectiveness of existing laws
  • consistent enforcement
  • comprehensive approach
  • automated traffic violation systems
  • ethical considerations
  • social inequality
  • disproportionately affect
  • fair treatment
What to do next:
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