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Band 5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
The topic that
weather
Correct your spelling
whether
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 the retirement
age
 should be raised or not because the average life longevity is increasing in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, is one
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
debatable among
people
 and some
also
 believe it should be done.
This
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
disagree with
this
Correct determiner usage
the
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 statement that the current method of
retirements
Fix the agreement mistake
retirement
show examples
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to remain unchanged
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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because of two main reasons: giving new blood
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the workplace and getting prone to
loosing
Replace the word
losing
show examples
 consistency consequence of physical and mental problems. The replacement of old driving forces with new and powerful ones might lead to a great improvement in any sphere. It is my personal belief that despite several arguments employees are highly likely to become less effective after the limited
age
 of retirement.
Thus
, in order to create a work opportunity for young generations, it is the best way to
giving
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 up work
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
seniors
although
 they are very experienced. The moderate
age
 of setting up a carrier is still the same among young
people
 and delaying
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirement may cause to broke
this
 circular process down.
Furthermore
, as
people
 are getting older, they face several troubles both mentally and physically which deteriorates their work efficiency. It is
proven
Correct article usage
a proven
show examples
 and irrefutable fact that most
people
 who are over 55 or 60 the oldest ages of a normal workplace
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 have at least
a
Correct determiner usage
one
show examples
 type of
health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
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problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
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.
Instead
 of putting them under pressure again, spending the rest of their lives within their family where there are full of
people
 who
highly
Add a missing verb
are highly
show examples
 concerned about them and they may forget about any troubles would be the best way and
also
 leads to living much longer. In conclusion, even though the average life longevity is increasing now, I think the
age
 at which
people
 finish their
carriers
Correct your spelling
careers
show examples
 should be maintained
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 current position because of the reasons mentioned above.
Submitted by uskanovjavokhir07 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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