IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
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As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 is advancing by leaps and bounds, top priority has been given to public security
due to
Linking Words
 its significance in maintaining social order. In the meanwhile, whether
young
Add an article
a young
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criminal
Fix the agreement mistake
criminals
show examples
 should be punished
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 as adults is debatable. Personally, I hold the opposite view about it.
Education
Use synonyms
 is
more
Add an article
a more
the more
show examples
 valuable and important thing which should be carried out.Mose young people who commit serious crimes have immaturity of mind. In fact, the reason why many young people end up in jail in the first place is
because
Replace the word
that
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 they didn't have a good
education
Use synonyms
 or
happy
Correct article usage
a happy
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 family. They may have light legal consciousness, not
mention
Fix the infinitive
to mention
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 that distinguish the border of law. In
this
Linking Words
 case,
popularization
Correct article usage
the popularization
show examples
 of legal knowledge
seems
Add the particle
toseems
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 play a critical role in
declining
Correct article usage
the declining
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re-crime
Correct article usage
the re-crime
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 rate. Adolescence is a golden learning and developing period,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 being kept in prison means
to miss
Change the verb form
missing
show examples
this
Linking Words
 opportunity. On the day they finish their sentences,
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of knowledge and skills, they have
fairly
Add an article
a fairly
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 high probability of finding
a
Correct article usage
apply
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stable work which can feed themselves . Facing the fact that they can not keep up with the development of
society
Use synonyms
. It seems like they have no choice but continuing robbing and stealing. From
this
Linking Words
 view, we need to treat young criminals as
patient
Fix the agreement mistake
patients
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 and give them the medicine they need:
education
Use synonyms
 and training. Everyone deserves a second chance. Of
course
Add a comma
,course
show examples
this
Linking Words
 does not mean we should be tolerant
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 these criminals,those who commit serious
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 are bound to be punished, but during their punishment, they
also
Linking Words
 should receive
education
Use synonyms
 and training. After all, everything we do is to maintain our safety and improve the security of
society
Use synonyms
. In a nutshell, we must make more effort to go to the root of the problem. As well, by giving young people the skills for a second chance we can make our
society
Use synonyms
 safer and healthier.
Submitted by yuetongli98 on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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