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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
As
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
 is advancing by leaps and bounds, top priority has been given to public security
due to
 its significance in maintaining social order. In the meanwhile, whether
young
Add an article
a young
show examples
criminal
Fix the agreement mistake
criminals
show examples
 should be punished
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 as adults is debatable. Personally, I hold the opposite view about it.
Education
 is
more
Add an article
a more
the more
show examples
 valuable and important thing which should be carried out.Mose young people who commit serious crimes have immaturity of mind. In fact, the reason why many young people end up in jail in the first place is
because
Replace the word
that
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 they didn't have a good
education
 or
happy
Correct article usage
a happy
show examples
 family. They may have light legal consciousness, not
mention
Fix the infinitive
to mention
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 that distinguish the border of law. In
this
 case,
popularization
Correct article usage
the popularization
show examples
 of legal knowledge
seems
Add the particle
toseems
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 play a critical role in
declining
Correct article usage
the declining
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re-crime
Correct article usage
the re-crime
show examples
 rate. Adolescence is a golden learning and developing period,
while
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 being kept in prison means
to miss
Change the verb form
missing
show examples
this
 opportunity. On the day they finish their sentences,
due to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of knowledge and skills, they have
fairly
Add an article
a fairly
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 high probability of finding
a
Correct article usage
apply
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stable work which can feed themselves . Facing the fact that they can not keep up with the development of
society
. It seems like they have no choice but continuing robbing and stealing. From
this
 view, we need to treat young criminals as
patient
Fix the agreement mistake
patients
show examples
 and give them the medicine they need:
education
 and training. Everyone deserves a second chance. Of
course
Add a comma
,course
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this
 does not mean we should be tolerant
to
Change preposition
of
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 these criminals,those who commit serious
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 are bound to be punished, but during their punishment, they
also
 should receive
education
 and training. After all, everything we do is to maintain our safety and improve the security of
society
. In a nutshell, we must make more effort to go to the root of the problem. As well, by giving young people the skills for a second chance we can make our
society
 safer and healthier.
Submitted by yuetongli98 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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