IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#inventions #computer #television #people #activity #effect #health
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In
case
Correct article usage
the case
show examples
 of the invention of new high-tech devices
people
 do
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 sports and it
effects
Correct your spelling
affects
show examples
 their
health
 negatively. I completely agree with the statement
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and tend to think that the percentage of persons who suffer from diabetes or heart
attacs
Correct your spelling
attacks
attack
 has increased since the invention of laptops. It is undeniable that high-tech devices provide
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mankind with a wide range of breathtaking hobbies,
connected
Change the form of the verb
connect
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 with new virtual worlds.
People
 prefer to investigate new artificially generated locations
instead
 of doing physical exercises like a simple run.
Therefore
,
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 lose their muscles and become weaker and helpless.
For example
, a lot of modern children suffer from problems with their lungs, like
astma
Correct your spelling
asthma
,
due to
 the lack of fresh air, because they simply do not go out.
Moreover
,
people
 become addicted
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their devices, which attract all their attention.
As a consequence
,
mostly
Correct your spelling
most
show examples
 all adults and teenagers spend their spare
time
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching TV or series using their smartphones.
As a result
,
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 eyes start to see
worser
Correct your spelling
worse
 and
worser
Correct your spelling
worse
 as they do not have enough
time
 to recover. There are a lot of cases all over the world
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when
people
 became almost blind
due to
 the overload of their eyes by spending
to
Correct your spelling
too
show examples
 big amount of
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching TV. On the other point of view, the development of new technologies helped
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mankind to become even more sporty by implementing special apps into human lives, which help not to miss
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
show examples
 and to do physical exercises more correctly.
For example
, Nike has an app for runners, where all the
health
 parameters are monitored and special AI helps
people
 to create the most balanced and optimal training
programm
Correct your spelling
program
.
To sum up
, I would like to say that new
technologie
Correct your spelling
technologies
technology
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a lot of negative issues, which can badly
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 human
health
, so
people
 should strive to control their online
time
 and take care
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
health
 even more
accurate
Change the word
accurately
show examples
.
Submitted by mgshetler on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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