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Band 6

Some people believe that the care of elderly people should be a priority of government spending. Others believe that government spending should focus more on young people, especially on their education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #care #priority #government #focus #education
While
 some people believe that
governments
 should make the
care
 of the elderly generation a priority, others feel that it is the youth and their education that should be prioritised. I believe that both aspects of society deserve an equal amount of attention from
governments
,
however
Add a comma
however,
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 families must
also
 take a large proportion of
responsibility
 for both these issues
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
Firstly
,
governments
 most definitely need to provide a certain level of
care
 for the elderly generation of their
country
. These are the people who spent their lives helping build their
country
 and its economy to make it a better place for those who come after them. Without the hard work of those citizens, the
country
 would not be where it is today, and
therefore
 they should be taken
care
 of to a certain extent, including free healthcare and discounted medicine.
However
, families must
also
 take
responsibility
 for the
care
 of the elderly, as the government cannot be fully responsible for every old person. Just as
parents
care
 for and nurture their young when they are helpless, adult children must
also
care
 for their
parents
 and grandparents when they are old, sick, and dying.
On the other hand
, the needs of the younger generation of a
country
 are just as important as those of the elderly, as they will be the backbone of a
country
’s economy in the future, and
therefore
 the government must invest in their health and education to make sure the
country
 continues to develop and prosper in the future with an intelligent and healthy population.
However
, the government cannot be fully responsible for the health and education of young people.
Parents
 and communities must
also
 take a certain level of
responsibility
 to ensure that children are well-educated
,
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apply
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 and that they grow up with morals and contribute to their society and
country
 in an ethical and positive manner. In conclusion, I believe that
governments
 need to focus equally on the younger and older generations,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 it is the equal
responsibility
 of
governments
,
parents
, families, and communities to ensure that young and old are both looked after.
Submitted by caelumz1121 on

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task response
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task with clear and relevant ideas. However, some of the examples provided could be more specific and directly related to the arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates logical progression and a clear introduction and conclusion. The ideas are well-supported and linked, but there is room for more variety in linking words and phrases for improved coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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