IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that the care of elderly people should be a priority of government spending. Others believe that government spending should focus more on young people, especially on their education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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While
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 some people believe that
governments
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 should make the
care
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 of the elderly generation a priority, others feel that it is the youth and their education that should be prioritised. I believe that both aspects of society deserve an equal amount of attention from
governments
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,
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however
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however,
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 families must
also
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 take a large proportion of
responsibility
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 for both these issues
..
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.
...
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Firstly
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,
governments
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 most definitely need to provide a certain level of
care
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 for the elderly generation of their
country
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. These are the people who spent their lives helping build their
country
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 and its economy to make it a better place for those who come after them. Without the hard work of those citizens, the
country
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 would not be where it is today, and
therefore
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 they should be taken
care
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 of to a certain extent, including free healthcare and discounted medicine.
However
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, families must
also
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 take
responsibility
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 for the
care
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 of the elderly, as the government cannot be fully responsible for every old person. Just as
parents
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care
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 for and nurture their young when they are helpless, adult children must
also
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care
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 for their
parents
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 and grandparents when they are old, sick, and dying.
On the other hand
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, the needs of the younger generation of a
country
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 are just as important as those of the elderly, as they will be the backbone of a
country
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’s economy in the future, and
therefore
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 the government must invest in their health and education to make sure the
country
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 continues to develop and prosper in the future with an intelligent and healthy population.
However
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, the government cannot be fully responsible for the health and education of young people.
Parents
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 and communities must
also
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 take a certain level of
responsibility
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 to ensure that children are well-educated
,
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apply
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 and that they grow up with morals and contribute to their society and
country
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 in an ethical and positive manner. In conclusion, I believe that
governments
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 need to focus equally on the younger and older generations,
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however
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however,
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 it is the equal
responsibility
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 of
governments
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,
parents
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, families, and communities to ensure that young and old are both looked after.

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task response
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task with clear and relevant ideas. However, some of the examples provided could be more specific and directly related to the arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates logical progression and a clear introduction and conclusion. The ideas are well-supported and linked, but there is room for more variety in linking words and phrases for improved coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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