IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #advantage #situation
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It is quite common
these day
Change the determiner
this day
these days
show examples
 that the rate of young
adults
Use synonyms
 is larger than
the
Correct determiner usage
that
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older
Change preposition
of older
show examples
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon shows us the unbalanced of age
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 some
countries
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.
However
Linking Words
, I think that the benefits of
this
Linking Words
 issue are better than the disadvantages. There are several drawbacks that a relatively large
number
Use synonyms
 of young
adults
Use synonyms
, compared with the
number
Use synonyms
 of older
people
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 is harmful.
People
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 often have
this
Linking Words
 opinion because the unbalanced age issue is more and more critical. if the
number
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 of young
adults
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people
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 too crowded, they will live
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
Change the word
an
show examples
 unhealthy lifestyle and they don't want to
heard
Change the verb
hear
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
what their
show examples
 parents or older
people
Use synonyms
said
Wrong verb form
say
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. One
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
good illustration is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 single mom and young mother phenomenon in
United
Correct article usage
the United
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 States, where
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
58% population are young and
adults
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
.They go to the bar, club too much, use wine,
Correct word choice
and cigarette
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cigarette
Fix the agreement mistake
cigarettes
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 too early and the
Linking Words
finally
Change the adverb
final
show examples
 reason is they get pregnant too early.
According to
Linking Words
 the report of
National
Correct article usage
the National
show examples
 Medical Organization in the USA, there are 23%
young
Change preposition
of young
show examples
 women get pregnant because of negative entertainment
such
Linking Words
 as bars, clubs, and pool parties,...
Although
Linking Words
 the disadvantages and negative effects I had told you
,
Change preposition
about, countries
show examples
countries
Use synonyms
have
Correct pronoun usage
that have
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larging
Correct your spelling
large
 young
adults
Use synonyms
 community
also
Linking Words
 have these potential benefits
such
Linking Words
 as the inspiration of them,
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
show examples
 to work is greatly effective and the population can stable in the future. Young
people
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always
Add a missing verb
are always
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 active and
energentic
Correct your spelling
energetic
, so if they choose the right way, they will
enthusiastic
Add a missing verb
be enthusiastic
show examples
with
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their work,
whereas
Linking Words
 the ability to work,
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
think, solve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
problem and
developing
Wrong verb form
develop
show examples
 will more and more improving
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, the
countries
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 can more and more develop too.
For instance
Linking Words
, Vietnam has a rate of young
adults
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people
Use synonyms
 is 49%, quite high
to compare
Change the verb form
compared
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 with
another
Replace the adjective
another country
other countries
show examples
countries
Use synonyms
 in the world. From 2010 to now,
Correct article usage
the goverment
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goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 innovate the curriculum and education,
young
Correct word choice
and young
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adults
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 can easily find their bullet ability, so the GDP of Vietnam
increase
Add a missing verb
has increase
show examples
 from 1000usd per person per year to 2300
usd
Correct your spelling
USD
 per person per year now. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 some problems with the population of some
countries
Use synonyms
 includes a relatively large
number
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 of young
adults
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, compared with the
number
Use synonyms
 of older
people
Use synonyms
. I tend to believe that there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 more advantages than harmful.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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