IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
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Whether the delinquent should be treated in the same way as adult criminals has been a hot topic. From my perspective, they must be subjected to judgements as adults but can be punished in a different way.
This
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, on the one hand, can inhibit criminal impulses;
on the other hand
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, provides young criminals the opportunity to return to society. The reason why I suggest the delinquent be justly judged as adults is that if they are exempt from justice for their immaturity, they are likely to lapse into crimes again. These kinds of examples are innumerable, the latest of which happened in Shangdong. There, three primary students have maltreated a classmate to death. The shocking event has been partly attributed to lacking enough punishment against their previous misbehaviours.
This
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 reminds us of the importance of subjecting the delinquent to justice.
Nevertheless
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, I am not among the people who propose to punish young criminals in the same as adults. They are susceptible to the outside environment and are not mentally mature, and thereby society is partly responsible for their crimes.
Therefore
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, we should actively provide them with opportunities to return to society.
For example
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,
instead
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 of being imprisoned, they can do social services during the period of incarceration, which, in fact, has been adopted by some American countries,
for example
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, Califonia. To summarize, the delinquent should not be free of punishment for their age, which will encourage criminal activities. Meanwhile, they are after all young people
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and thereby should be punished in a way
that is
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 conducive to their return.
Submitted by hx88375757 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a well-rounded argument on the topic, addressing both sides and offering balanced viewpoints. To improve further, consider elaborating on your points more thoroughly and introducing more specific examples to reinforce your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines your stance and gives the reader a clear idea of what to expect in your essay. Your conclusion is well-presented, but can be strengthened by summarizing the key points more succinctly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay follows a logical structure, presenting arguments and counterarguments effectively. This makes your position clear to the reader.
task achievement
You included relevant examples to illustrate your points, supporting your argument well. This enhances the reader's understanding of your views.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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