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Band 6.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
It is true that there is a tendency to be well-known all over the world because of the
life
 conditions being rich and riveting for the public
whereas
 people who maintained achievements and reached their goals become unmentioned. Personally, I completely disagree with
this
 statement and those ought to be prominent who succeeded in
life
 and worked to boost specific fields of society. First and foremost, famous people are pursued by youngsters and teenagers.
This
 means that younger generations are being grown up by celebrities, namely bloggers in social media. Following successful people, who get fame thanks to their abilities and skills
such
 as Elon Musk, is more beneficial for teenagers to get motivation
together with
 incentives to strive to study and have a purpose to attain achievements rather than giving preference to effortless and mesmerizing lifestyles of wealthy ones.
Secondly
, there is a peril for the personality traits of youngsters because of pursuing bloggers who provide unhealthy diets and curse words in speeches.
Thus
, it is advantageous to follow scientists or influencers who are making breakthroughs in technology or science. Let us take a look at the mental conditions of followers. Nowadays, it is a crucial issue to have a low interest in
life
 and be under a lot of strain because of seeing others' lifestyles and desire to have it.
For instance
, pursuing others’
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 may lead to dissatisfaction and criticism of their
life
 because of not having the ability to afford an astonishing lifestyle. In conclusion, following wealthy and rich celebrities
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 more drawbacks than positive outcomes.
To conclude
, I strongly believe that for everyone it would be beneficial to pursue celebrities who reached goals and success in their
life
 because it may be a source of motivation to attain their own achievements.
Submitted by arnakaldybai on

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coherence cohesion
The essay addresses the prompt but lacks a clear overall structure, consider organizing the essay with better paragraph structure and topic sentences to improve coherence.
task achievement
The essay provides some relevant ideas but does not fully address all aspects of the task. The examples provided could be more specific and well-developed to improve task achievement.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
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