IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
In the modern era, the relationship between public
health
 and environmental factors has become increasingly evident.
While
 medical advancements have played a crucial role in preventing and treating illnesses, addressing environmental
pollution
 and housing problems is equally imperative. I firmly agree that
governments
 should prioritize these issues to mitigate the risks of illness and disease.
Firstly
, environmental
pollution
 poses significant
health
 hazards. Air
pollution
,
for instance
, contributes to respiratory
diseases
such
 as asthma and bronchitis. Water
pollution
 leads to waterborne
diseases
 like cholera and dysentery. By reducing
pollution
 levels through stricter regulations on industries and promoting cleaner energy sources,
governments
 can substantially improve public
health
 outcomes.
Secondly
, housing problems directly impact
health
 outcomes. Inadequate housing conditions, including overcrowding and poor sanitation, are breeding grounds for infectious
diseases
such
 as tuberculosis and influenza.
Moreover
, substandard housing exacerbates chronic
health
 conditions like cardiovascular
diseases
 and mental
health
 disorders.
Governments
 should prioritize initiatives to improve housing quality, ensuring access to safe and affordable housing for all citizens.
Furthermore
, addressing environmental
pollution
 and housing issues is a preventive approach that can alleviate the burden on healthcare systems. By investing in
pollution
 control measures and housing infrastructure,
governments
 can reduce the prevalence of preventable
diseases
, leading to fewer hospitalizations and lower healthcare costs in the long run. In conclusion, prioritizing efforts to reduce environmental
pollution
 and housing problems is paramount for safeguarding public
health
. By tackling these root causes,
governments
 can create healthier and more sustainable environments for their citizens, ultimately leading to improved well-being and reduced healthcare burdens.
Submitted by monahhj123 on

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task achievement
While you've clearly tackled the prompt and communicated your stance effectively, incorporating more specific examples and data would further strengthen your argument. For instance, when mentioning health hazards related to pollution and housing, citing studies or statistics to support these claims can make your points more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay displays a strong logical structure, making your argument easy to follow. However, to enhance cohesion further, consider using a wider variety of linking words and phrases between sentences and paragraphs. This will help to ensure a smoother flow of ideas throughout your essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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