IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Experts say if the old people spend time and get along with others and exercise every day, they will be healthier and happier. However, many elderly are suffering from loneliness and lack of fitness. Discuss the causes and solutions?

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As people age, staying active and socially connected becomes increasingly important for their
health
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 and well-being. Experts suggest that if the elderly spend time with others and exercise daily, they will enjoy better
health
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 and happiness.
However
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, many
seniors
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 experience feelings of isolation and physical decline. In
this
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 essay, I will examine the causes of
loneliness
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 and lack of
fitness
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 among the elderly, and propose some possible solutions. There are several reasons why many older adults suffer from
loneliness
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.
Firstly
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, they may have lost their spouses and friends, which leads to a reduced social network.
Secondly
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, the physical limitations of
aging
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ageing
show examples
 may make it harder to get out and socialize, especially for those with mobility problems.
Thirdly
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, modern technologies can create barriers to communication, as older adults may struggle to
use
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 new devices and social media platforms.
In addition
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 to
loneliness
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, many elderly people
also
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 experience a decline in physical
fitness
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.
This
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 can be caused by a number of factors,
such
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 as a lack of physical activity, poor diet, and chronic
health
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 conditions.
Furthermore
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, some
seniors
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 may be afraid to exercise or engage in physical activities
due to
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 concerns about falls or injuries. Fortunately, there are several solutions to address these issues. One possible solution is to provide more opportunities for
seniors
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 to socialize and stay physically active. Community
centers
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centres
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 can offer group
fitness
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 classes and social events, which can help to combat
loneliness
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 and improve physical
health
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.
Moreover
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, volunteering and participating in hobbies or clubs can
also
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 be effective ways for older adults to stay engaged with their community. Another possible solution is to offer more resources and education on how to
use
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 technology to stay connected with family and friends.
This
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 can include providing training on how to
use
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 social media platforms or offering technology assistance programs for
seniors
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 who may struggle to
use
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 new devices. In conclusion,
loneliness
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 and lack of
fitness
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 are significant challenges facing many elderly people.
However
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, by providing more opportunities for socialization and physical activity, and offering resources to help
seniors
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 stay connected with technology, we can improve their
health
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 and well-being. By investing in the elderly, we can ensure that they have the support and resources they need to live happy and healthy lives.

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Task Achievement
The essay displays an excellent level of understanding of the task. You consistently addressed all parts of the task, maintaining a clear focus throughout the response. One suggestion to improve task achievement might be to delve deeper into specific, substantial examples rather than presenting a broader view.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure with relevant introduction and conclusion, and the ideas are arranged coherently, making the text easy to follow. You effectively use cohesive devices and conjunctions to connect the ideas. However, to reach a full score on supported main points, try to build stronger arguments around your central themes.
Lexical Resource
Your lexical resource is rich and allows for effective expression of ideas. Full marks are achievable by increasing the variety of vocabulary used, especially in the descriptive detailing of causes and solutions.
Grammatical Range
Your control of grammatical structures is outstanding. You demonstrated a good range of complex sentences. However, there is room for more sophisticated structures and varieties in grammatical forms to achieve the top band score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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