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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

In recent years, there has been a growing debate about changes in adolescents' hobbies
due to
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 advancements in technology.
While
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 there are various benefits for the young, I firmly believe that the disadvantages far outweigh the advantages and require serious
attention
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 from their parents.
To begin
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 with,
children
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's habits in the modern world bring numerous drawbacks.
Due to
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 the prevalence of electronic applications, they are easily drawn to various attractive gaming and social media
platforms
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, resulting in a lack of physical exercise and outdoor activities.
Consequently
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, their physical health can deteriorate.
For example
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, recent research shows that the average body mass index of
children
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 in Thailand has worsened over time as they often prefer playing online mobile games
instead
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 of engaging in physical activities like playing football or basketball after school.
Moreover
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, another concerning issue is the shorter
attention
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 span. Social media exposes and transfers
information
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 to users rapidly.
For instance
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, an online platform called "Tik-Tok" allows individuals to watch content for a brief 15-second duration.
As a result
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,
children
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 become accustomed to quickly consuming video content and may develop
attention
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 deficit disorders (ADD).
On the other hand
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, technological developments offer several benefits to
children
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. With social media and online
platforms
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 readily accessible in today's world, teenagers can access the latest news faster than ever before.
Platforms
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such
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 as Facebook and Twitter are widely used by teenagers, allowing them to access news and
information
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 rapidly.
Additionally
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, they can use online
platforms
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 to acquire knowledge in areas of interest more efficiently, potentially becoming proficient in their chosen fields at a faster rate. In conclusion,
while
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 some may argue that advancements in
information
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 technology enable
children
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 to access a wealth of
information
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 and knowledge online, I firmly believe that there are various concerns, including a lack of physical exercise and a shorter
attention
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 span.
This
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 necessitates parents' guidance to help their
children
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 strike a balance between using smart gadgets and engaging in outdoor activities.

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Task Achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of changes in children's hobbies due to advancements in technology. Make sure to include a clear stance on the issue in the introduction to enhance task response.
Coherence & Cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is well maintained, and your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion. However, consider using more cohesive devices within paragraphs to improve overall coherence and cohesion.
Lexical Resource
Your use of vocabulary is generally appropriate and varied. To enhance your lexical resource, aim to include more precise and contextually relevant vocabulary related to technology and its impact on children.
Grammatical Range
Your grammatical range is wide, and you demonstrate control over complex structures. However, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and use of articles to further improve grammatical accuracy.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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