New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

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In recent years, there has been a growing debate about changes in adolescents' hobbies

due to

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advancements in technology.

While

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there are various benefits for the young, I firmly believe that the disadvantages far outweigh the advantages and require serious

attention

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from their parents.

To begin

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with,

children

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's habits in the modern world bring numerous drawbacks.

Due to

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the prevalence of electronic applications, they are easily drawn to various attractive gaming and social media

platforms

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, resulting in a lack of physical exercise and outdoor activities.

Consequently

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, their physical health can deteriorate.

For example

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, recent research shows that the average body mass index of

children

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in Thailand has worsened over time as they often prefer playing online mobile games

instead

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of engaging in physical activities like playing football or basketball after school.

Moreover

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, another concerning issue is the shorter

attention

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span. Social media exposes and transfers

information

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to users rapidly.

For instance

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, an online platform called "Tik-Tok" allows individuals to watch content for a brief 15-second duration.

As a result

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children

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become accustomed to quickly consuming video content and may develop

attention

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deficit disorders (ADD).

On the other hand

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, technological developments offer several benefits to

children

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. With social media and online

platforms

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readily accessible in today's world, teenagers can access the latest news faster than ever before.

Platforms

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such

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as Facebook and Twitter are widely used by teenagers, allowing them to access news and

information

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rapidly.

Additionally

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, they can use online

platforms

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to acquire knowledge in areas of interest more efficiently, potentially becoming proficient in their chosen fields at a faster rate. In conclusion,

while

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some may argue that advancements in

information

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technology enable

children

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to access a wealth of

information

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and knowledge online, I firmly believe that there are various concerns, including a lack of physical exercise and a shorter

attention

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span.

This

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necessitates parents' guidance to help their

children

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strike a balance between using smart gadgets and engaging in outdoor activities.

Submitted by title848 on Sun Sep 10 2023

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Task Achievement

Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of changes in children's hobbies due to advancements in technology. Make sure to include a clear stance on the issue in the introduction to enhance task response.

Coherence & Cohesion

The logical structure of your essay is well maintained, and your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion. However, consider using more cohesive devices within paragraphs to improve overall coherence and cohesion.

Lexical Resource

Your use of vocabulary is generally appropriate and varied. To enhance your lexical resource, aim to include more precise and contextually relevant vocabulary related to technology and its impact on children.

Grammatical Range

Your grammatical range is wide, and you demonstrate control over complex structures. However, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and use of articles to further improve grammatical accuracy.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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13
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

322 words

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New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

Some people say that zoos have no useful purpose. Others believe that zoos are beneficial in many ways. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Interviews are the basic selecting criteria for most companies. However, some people think interviews are not a reliable method and there are better methods. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people say that there is too much harmful content on the internet. They say the only way to make the internet safe is for the government to censor the content of websites. To what extent do you think the government should control what information is available on the internet?