IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Social media has become a real problem for some young people today, and governments should create laws that allow only people over 18 years of age to have accounts. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It has been observed that the solution to social media problems is that the administration/department should create laws to underage from having accounts. I firmly object to it, because
this
Linking Words
 law will lead to many adverse outcomes. The disadvantages of creating
such
Linking Words
 a system for under-18s are undeniable and manifold. One of the drawbacks is that paying extra for
this
Linking Words
 regulation may exert unexpected financial pressure upon authorities, especially those in developing regions, where the income level and living standard are relatively low.
This
Linking Words
 may cause them to suffer from financial stress and hardship, which could affect their quality of life and well-being. Another disadvantage is that paying extra for the new regulation does not bring commensurate rewards and leads to diminishing marginal utility, which means that the additional benefit of the law decreases as the number of users increases.
This
Linking Words
 results in inefficiencies and waste of resources, which could be allocated to more productive and beneficial activities.
However
Linking Words
, the law can have a positive impact on less time on the internet. It exposes teenagers to focus on themselves, which stimulates them to study harder. Students may be motivated to challenge the existing societal judgments, and even generate breakthrough ideas regarding politics and individuals.
However
Linking Words
, these potential benefits are limited in scope. Admittedly
such
Linking Words
 behavior has yielded some benefits, but they are insignificant compared to the damage it causes.
This
Linking Words
 benefit is only transitory, but the adverse impact is long-lasting In conclusion, my argument is that the new regulation for social media entails numerous issues and yields little benefits.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to provide specific examples to strengthen your argument. You mention financial stress and the benefits for teenagers but don't provide concrete examples or evidence to support these claims.
coherence cohesion
Work on clearly stating your main argument or position at the beginning of the essay. You express disagreement but could define your standpoint more explicitly from the start.
coherence cohesion
Your essay structure includes an introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your arguments effectively.
task achievement
The essay presents both sides of the argument, offering a more balanced view, although stronger examples could fortify the stance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: