IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, young children are looked after by other people while parents go out to work. Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

#countries #children #people #parents #work
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Nowadays, It is true that young
children
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 are looked after by someone else when their
parents
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 are working.
Although
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this
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trend
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 can be a negative development because
parents
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 should take
care
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their
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of their
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 offspring by themselves, the main benefits are not only to
parents
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 who work full time but
also
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 to
children
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 themselves. To start with one of the most important
reason
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reasons
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 why
this
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 is a positive development is that
children
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 are taken
care
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by
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of by
show examples
 professionals who have
knowledge
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the knowledge
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 and
skills
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 to
safe
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save
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 and develop
children
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skills
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 like basic vocal and social
skills
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 to prepare them to
entry
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enter
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 school
since
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from
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 young
children
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 learn how to play, share, respect other people who are not in their family.
For example
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, 80% of year one students who were taken
care
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by
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of by
show examples
 professional kindergartens get along well with other peers or teachers when they go to schools compared to other students who were looked after by their
parents
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 or relatives. Having them in
day cares
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daycares
show examples
 plays a major role in developing
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children
Change noun form
children's
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skill
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skills
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as
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at
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 a young age which can be seen as an advantage. Another benefit is that young
parents
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 can continue their careers after their maternity leave. Having infants in
day cares
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daycares
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 can be better for
parents
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due to
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 its convenience.
For example
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,
according to
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a
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apply
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research conducted by Bangkok University, it was revealed that 80% of young
parents
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 in Thailand usually take 6 months
maternity
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of maternity
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 leave and go back to work by
put
Wrong verb form
putting
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 their young
children
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 in
blanket
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blankets
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 or
infants
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infant
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cares
Correct subject-verb agreement
care
show examples
. So they can contribute
their
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to their
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 careers without any
worrying
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worries
show examples
.
This
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 is popular and
playing
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plays
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 an important role in
this
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trend
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 and many people think it is a positive
trend
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. In conclusion,
while
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parents
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 go to work,
children
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 are looked after by
children
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 cares. I think there are a couple of benefits in
this
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trend
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 because
its
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of its
show examples
 convenience for
parents
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,
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and, skills
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skills
Correct article usage
the skills
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 and knowledge that
children
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are received
Wrong verb form
receive
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 from their
Correct your spelling
daycare
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day
Correct your spelling
daycare
show examples
care
Use synonyms
Submitted by patinyajaithan on

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task achievement
To achieve a higher score, ensure your essay fully addresses all parts of the question and covers all viewpoints comprehensively.
task achievement
Focus on developing your main ideas further and provide clearer explanations and reasoning for your points.
coherence cohesion
Consider improving the logical flow between paragraphs to make the essay easier to read and more coherent.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical structure within paragraphs, ensuring each point flows smoothly and naturally into the next.
coherence cohesion
Polish the introduction and conclusion further to make them more impactful and aligned with your overall essay.
task achievement
You have identified both positive and negative aspects of the topic, which demonstrates a balanced approach.
task achievement
Using specific examples, such as the research from Bangkok University, adds credibility to your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides an introduction and a conclusion, giving it a clear beginning and end.
coherence cohesion
You’ve used transitions between ideas, which helps with the flow of the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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