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Writing Samples
Band 4

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane.

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane.
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The diagram
illutrates
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illustrates
 the
process
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 by which
sugar
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 is produced from
sugar
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cane
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.The
process
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 consists of seven steps of various time
length
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lengths
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,starting
by
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with
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 farming
sugar
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 canes and ending
by
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with
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 dry
sugar
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 ready to use.       First,
sugar
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cane
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 is farmed and
nurished
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nourished
 for
period
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a period
the period
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 of 12 to 18
month
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months
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,which is
longest
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the longest
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step
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 in the whole
process
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.Second,
sugar
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cane
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get
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gets
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 harvested by
the
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apply
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means of two ways,either manually or using specialized vehicles.Third,harvested
sugar
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cane
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go
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goes
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 through
yhe
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the
fifth
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the fifth
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step
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 of crushing,resulting in
liquid
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a liquid
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from
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apply
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called juice.       The
forth
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fourth
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step
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 involves purifying the juice through Limestone filters.The purified juice now goes through the fifth
step
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,which
put
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puts
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 it under extreme heat to allow it to evaporate to get syrup out
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of
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from
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of
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 it.
Then
Linking Words
 the syrup  is centrifuged to separate
sugar
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 crystals from
syrup
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the syrup
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.Once that
happened
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happens
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 the
sugar
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 is taken into the
last
Linking Words
 phase of drying and cooling which
finalise
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finalises
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 the
process
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 and
produce
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produces
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 ready-to-use
sugar
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that is
Linking Words
 packed and ready for sale.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words process, sugar, cane, step with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 1 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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